I’ve seen a lot of heartache this year. That tends to happen, living in third-world countries. Over and over, I try to wrap my head around it, and I’m not going to lie, there’s been a lot of doubts along the way. Lots of questioning God and His goodness and mercy, lots of wondering if I can actually trust Him and if He really does have my best interest at heart. And now, in month 9 of my Race, let me tell you this.
If I’ve learned anything over the last 9 months, it’s that God is real, God is good, God is merciful, and His plans and promises are good.
Let me back up to my first day of ministry here in Swaziland. If you don’t know anything about Swaziland, it’s a tiny country basically in South Africa, and it’s also predicted to be extinct by 2050 because of AIDS/HIV. I knew this going in, I had prayed about it, prepared myself, and was ready to love the crap out of the kids I would be with. Nothing could have prepared me for what I found at the Care Points here in Swaziland. I’m going to be real raw here and share a portion of my journal entry from May 5th:
“Today was hard. We went to the Ntabas care point with some other people on my squad. There weren’t too many kids; we each pretty much had one or two to ourselves and that was about it. Towards the end of our time, one nine year old girl wanted me to pick her up and hold her, so I did. She clung onto me and rested her head on my shoulder, and it was really sweet. Until her little brother said they had to go. When I tried to put her down, she’d start crying, wailing, and wouldn’t let go. I had snot and tears all over the front of my shirt. At one point I was walking with my arms at my side and she was just hanging on for dear life. It broke my heart. What is going on at her home that a 9 year old girl wants to be held like a baby, and then refuses to get down? I don’t get it. It’s just not fair. It’s not fair that those kids don’t get hugs at home. It’s not fair they don’t have a mom and a dad. It’s not fair they don’t have enough to eat. It’s not fair they don’t get the love they deserve. I want them to have that.”
This isn’t the first time something like this has appeared in my journal, either. In Cambodia, the village broke my heart. In Laos, the worshipping of idols and the indifference toward God tore at my soul. In Honduras, the abandonment of newborn babies made me want to scream.
I pleaded with God for an answer, some comfort to help me understand why these things happen. And He told me to read Matthew 5. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for their is the kingdom of God. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” Matthew 5: 3-9
They will inherit the kingdom. That is God’s promise. I know He loves those kids more than I ever could, and their pain and suffering make Him weep more than it does me. Does this verse make seeing their pain easy? No. It never will. And that’s the heart of Jesus. I’m at a point where I trust God with my whole heart, and I trust in His goodness. Throughout the year, God has been speaking to me about trusting Him and not needing to understand, just trusting that what His Word says about Him is true.
I’ve seen God in the jaundice eyes of a two year old boy in Swaziland, I’ve seen Him in the hugs of Cambodian children, I’ve seen Him in the laughter of the kids at El Ayudante in Nicaragua; every time I doubt God or His goodness, He gives me a reason to be grateful, to see His goodness in the middle of pain, and shows me His redeeming power at work.
Do I understand why there is so much pain and suffering in the world? No. But do I trust that God has good plans for His children, and loves each and every one of us more than we could ever comprehend? Yes. I’ve seen it every day the last 9 months, and I’ll know He’ll continue to reveal more of Himself over the next two months of my race, too.
At month 9 of my race, I can tell you that I’m grateful for unanswered prayers, I’m grateful for every tear I’ve shed and every goodbye I’ve said, and I’m grateful for every situation I’ve been in that has made me question God, because He’s only revealed more of Himself in the process. “Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded…We are, each and every one of us, insignificant people whom God has called and graced us to use in a significant way…On the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas, or honors, but for scars.” Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust
That was the answer God gave me when I asked Him about the kids of Swaziland. He’s going to raise up a generation of Christ-followers who will break the norm of the fatherless culture, of the abused, neglected children. Every one of their pains and situations will be redeemed in the future, when they fulfill the call God has on their life. If you look for the bright side, I promise you there is always something to be grateful for, and these children have shown me that every day. They are so grateful for the one hot meal they get a day, they are so thankful for new pencils, they are so thankful they get to go to school, and they are so thankful for every hug they get. I’ve never met children who sing praises to God more, or have more joy in their laughs.
I know when I come home I’ll be asked what I learned on the Race, and my answer will be this: that God is trustworthy, that you can trust in His overwhelming love for you, and that because of these two things, you can know that His plans for your life are good, too.
“There have ben plenty of times of doubt, especially when I used to believe that trusting God’s goodness meant I would not be hurt. But having been hurt quite a bit, I know God’s goodness goes deeper than all pleasure and pain- it embraces them both.” -Gerald May
God bless,
Jenna
