You can’t truly accept grace from another person until you’ve accepted what Christ did for you on the cross. This was a hard lesson for me to learn when I became a believer. I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how such a perfect God could forgive me when I had sinned so badly in my past, constantly disgracing and rejecting Him. I didn’t understand the magnitude of Christ’s sacrifice; of coming down into human form, experiencing every temptation and hardship humans do, and then sacrificing himself on the cross for our sins.
Until you can accept that God takes your sin and nails it to the cross, you won’t be able to forgive yourself, or accept grace from another person. And in my personal experience, forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do. You feel that if you punish yourself enough, then your debt is paid. But what you have to realize is that Jesus already paid your debt. He wiped your crimson stain and he washed you white as snow. He paid our ransom so we don’t have to punish ourselves! How cool is that?
Something else I had to realize is that God is the only person that matters, and His opinion is the only one the matters. Even over my own. And once I was able to realize this tidbit of information, I was able to forgive myself because He already had. He forgave me when I wasn’t a believer. He forgave me before I committed the sin. And he forgives me after for punishing myself when I shouldn’t be.
I continued to struggle with feelings of guilt, unworthiness, denial, and disappointment until I accepted God’s grace. I was terrified that anyone would find out. If they did, they would surely judge me and think differently of me. It was too hard of a thought to bear. But at some point, you have to realize that everyone has a past, and everyone has a struggle, and we need to stop judging each other based off of those. We are all children of God, and we need to show each other God’s love and grace and mercy. Until you start talking about what is going on inside your heart, it’s only going to get worse, or at least not get any better. Lean on your Christian brothers and sisters for support and advice. Pray that God will change your heart and give those you talk to understanding hearts. We need to start encouraging each other instead of condemning.
I would challenge you to examine your view of grace and forgiveness, and if you can’t fully accept Jesus’ grace, do some praying and find out why. He wants you to understand more than anything so you can be a beacon of His light, use your testimony to encourage others, and love on everyone around you. None of this is possible without His grace, and for that I thank God every day.
God bless,
Jenna
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