“Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” –Matthew 14: 25-33
So here’s my confession: Recently, I’ve been sensing a loss of connection with my Father. I found myself asking, “God, why do you seem so far away?” And then I realized: it’s me. My God hasn’t gone anywhere, I have.
In today’s society, it is so easy to be distracted by friends, school, facebook, Netflix, or other worldly desires. I’m not saying these things are all bad, but when it distracts or impairs me in my relationship with my God, I found I needed to do some serious self-examination.
I tried having what I call my “God time”, where I just take some time to be with God and talk to Him, but found myself not being able to come up with the words to say anything. I felt so disconnected and unsure of where to start. I felt like a failure, wondering how I let my relationship with Him go so askew. For the past few months I’ve never felt more of a connection or so great about our relationship, and then all of a sudden it was dwindling.
I was listening to the song “Oceans” tonight by Hillsong United (see the link below if you haven’t heard it- it’s one of my new favorites.) There’s a few lines that go, “So I will call upon Your name, And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, My soul will rest in Your embrace, For I am Yours and You are mine. Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, Wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, And my faith will be made stronger, In the presence of my Savior.”
This hit me like a ton of bricks. I had taken my eyes off God, and that was my problem. I was letting my own desires and own tendencies outweigh looking towards God for guidance. I had gotten so caught up in the holidays, talking about the Race, planning for break, seeing friends, catching up with family, that I had forgotten to do the most important thing: look to God for guidance. I had wholeheartedly trusted God when I felt a calling for the Race. I obeyed the tug on my heart and applied, and then put in my deposit when I felt it again. What happened to that complete and utter trust in my Savior? And how did it disappear without me even noticing?
To be honest, this scared me. I don’t want to live a life for myself- I want to live it for my Lord and Savior. I want His light to be shining through me always, so that when people see me, they see Him. I had to ask myself, how do I get back on that path and regain that relationship that I once had with God? And then the answer hit me: nothing. That’s the beauty of our God; I don’t have to do anything. By the merciful grace He has for each and every one of us, all I have to do is ask for forgiveness, and that’s it. And that, my friends, is amazing.
After this realization, I’m going to continue to work towards the connection with Christ that I want, but will do so knowing that I don’t need to do anything differently, just love my Father with every ounce of my being. The rest will just follow.
I pray that each of you realizes how great this gift of grace that God gives to us every day is, and remember the price that was paid in order for us to have it.
God bless,
Jenna
