Where to start this blog has been puzzling me for weeks, mainly because I m having trouble being totally open with my struggles for all to see. But if I were to put together a blog leaving out the depths God is exposing in me I wouldn’t be transparent and honest ,and those are traits I want to be in all circumstances not just the good ones! So here is some of the nitty gritty I’m working through while being engulfed in ministry since being on the race.
Living with 55 other people in Guatemala was uncomfortable, exciting and challenging for me!Living with so many people brought out areas of me I hate to see, like insecurities of rejection, awkwardness and lack of vulnerability. Once we started ministry and learned we were knocking down a building our motto was tearing down walls. We were doing this literally and metaphorically inside and out being our first month on the race and getting somewhat acclimated to our new lifestyle and leaving behind our comforts. Once I started praying on this idea and digging a little deeper ,it wasn’t hard to see some of the walls God is tearing down are related to being vulnerable to others,allowing people to love me where I’am, and letting my thoughts and feelings be known. I felt myself being uncomfortable and defensive once people started trying to dig deeper with me, which honestly isn’t the norm for me back home. I enjoy going beyond the surface and going deep, but I realized I like to be the one asking the questions. I realized this pattern quickly and my teammates of coarse lovingly pointed this out. I know being with so many people I really don’t know well had alot to do with my attitude but I just was not being very loving.I didn’t feel comfortable allowing myself to be known, “why should I ? ” I thought, I don’t know these people I don’t trust them yet. Well of coarse God brought this to my attention to address ,he showed me I am on this journey to dig deeper with him first and his children second and I wasn’t allowing either to go far. The verse in Matthew 16:24 was coming up a few times in my quiet time. It says if anyone wants to be my follower turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily and follow me. I was being stubborn in my behavior and attitude I wasn’t choosing to follow Jesus each morning because I was caught in my circumstance and was being selfish. He was telling me to trust him, pick up my cross and identify with him. The verse the following day I read in my devotional was Matthew 5:41 and 1 john 4:20-21.It was clear after that how my attitude was affecting my relationship with God and I need to choose a better behavior. So even though I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to share myself ,he has a bigger,better plan. I found encouragement in Philippians 4:19 and John 15:16 which he showed me these verses on choosing me and walking in the light Ephesians 5:1-20.
My prayers the last month were for courage,to be bold and walk with him each morning,to go where he desires me to. I started noticing God telling me to share more of me, speak about my feelings, and to share myself more than I really enjoyed ,so I went ahead and did. I found myself sharing parts of myself I was ashamed of and brought me pain To even speak of. I found myself at debrief in Nicaragua sharing about sexual abuses that scarred me, addictive behaviors I formed to numb the pain of wounds from relationships and horrible choices I made just because I didn’t care.But after sharing I realized God was healing me in that moment, he spoke love through his word, my squad mates and friends who lavished me with love could even relate to the scars I revealed. All I had to do was trust him, the words fell out of me like fire rolling off my tongue.To think my stubbornness could have prevented me from receiving the gift of healing was beyond my capacity.Our father is always renewing us, and always fighting for us, sometimes we need to just let him!
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Other news:
-My team is now in Diriamba Nicaragua working with a children’s ministry where we are teaching a pre-school class, leading sunday school and building relationships with the community.
– How you can help! Prayer is always needed for my team, myself and my squad! Prayer against sickness, for relationships to be built and hearts to be receptive to God!
– Finances- I’m at about $7,860 towards my support for the trip my overall goal is $16,250, I have until march to meet this deadline but need to be at $12,000 in December! Please pray about your role in this journey either praying, supporting or sharing with others the work I am doing
Thanks for checking this out, if your interested in more feel free to email or Facebook me! Take care peace and Grace
