Since announcing that I was moving to Georgia, the idea of raising support to be a Squad Coordinator for Adventures In Missions has overwhelmed me. I haven’t slept well. Even if I go to bed early, I toss and turn until early morning. Consumed with worry, I have questioned the decision to move and my ability to hear God.
A part of me wanted to quit before I even started. It feels so strange in this culture to raise support for part of my salary, and people have constantly told me so. Recently, I realized I had lost faith in the God that I know provides by worrying about where the money would come from.
But I’ve been selling myself short. Through fundraising, I get to talk to people about what I see the Lord doing through Adventures in Missions and what I’ve seen him do both overseas and domestically. I get to invite others to partner with me to see the kingdom of God come to Earth.
In the past few weeks, I probably have had equal parts encouragement and disdain, but I couldn’t hear the life-giving words of my friends or make myself believe them.
I felt like their words weren’t true, that the truth wasn’t true.
Satan was telling me lie after venomous lie: that I wasn’t supposed to go to Georgia, that I was irresponsible or unfit, that I would fail, that no one would support me, and that I had heard God wrong.
It. Was. Dreadful.
Worst of all, I had no idea how to get myself out of it.
I did what I could: tried to raise support, had conversations, told people about this opportunity. With as much effort as I could muster, I tried to climb out of the fog; and then I went ahead and packed my bags and moved, regardless.
My adventuring llama Cuzco leaving my house in Minnesota – roadtrip to Georgia!
I just couldn’t sit still anymore, I had to move and trust that God knows what he’s doing. I had to decide to believe what I had heard him say, what I knew to be true, and who I know he is – and not wait for him to prove it. I had to have faith, and I had to put that faith into action.
So here I am in Georgia.
Today, I was reading through a portion of Numbers. In chapter 11, the Israelites grumble about the manna the Lord has provided because they aren’t satisfied; they want meat.
The Lord told Moses to inform the people that he would give them enough meat not just for one day or two days, but for a whole month, “until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it.” God can be kind of extreme.
Moses replies, “Here I am among six hundred thousand men on foot, and you say, ‘I will give them meat to eat for a whole month!' Would they have enough if flocks and herds were slaughtered for them? Would they have enough if all the fish in the sea were caught for them.”
Seems like a fair concern: enough meat to feed a large population for a month, in the middle of the desert? How do you expect to get that kind of abundance?
Oh, right: God.
“Is the Lord’s arm too short? You will now see whether or not what I say will come true for you.”
Um, no. No, your arm isn’t too short. My mistake, sorry Lord.
Even after the Lord provided (as he said he would), the Israelites kept complaining – this time about the impending doom they thought awaited them in the Promised Land. “If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword?” …
The Lord said to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have performed among them?”
I have doubted that he would provide as promised, and I have been questioning his ability.
I stopped reading and journaled in bright red:
OH MY GOSH, I’M ACTING LIKE THE ISRAELITES!
But I have seen the Lord provide,
I have seen him perform miraculous feats, and I have felt his Spirit.
I know, in the marrow of my bone, that he is who he says he is.
And I want to follow where he’s leading me, so here I am in Gainesville even though I’m only at about half of my monthly support goal. Part of me is worried sick about the future, but the Lord has given me a peace here that I haven’t felt in a long time.
I trust the Lord to provide the rest of my funds. I trust him to provide meat for hundreds of thousands, I trust him to make water flow from solid rock, and I trust him to give us the land he has promised us. He’s already brought me this far and I know he won’t abandon me.
If you would join me in this and partner with me financially, I would be incredibly grateful.
I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I’m done acting like the Israelites, done doubting my Lord, done worrying. I choose to believe him, even if it means I am being led while blindfolded for the millionth time. Every time he’s led me, it’s been worth it, so why would this time be any different?
I'm moving websites and will no longer be blogging here on the World Race page!
New blog at jennamalinen.wordpress.com.
Click HERE to go check it out.
