What does quiet sound like?
#nerdalert definition: Quiet is the absence of noise or bustle. It’s silence. It’s calm. It’s peaceful.
It’s also extremely, unbelievably hard to come by on the World Race. This month, it’s been especially so. Tanzania has been full of bustle. And normally I would tell you that it’s exciting. I would tell you that the extrovert part of me is jumping for joy inside at all that goes on around me. It would be expected of me to love the energy. In normal conditions, I would expect it of myself.
Last month team Rooted was alone – six people were in a huge space that we could find silence in. Last month we could get away from everything and retreat to our flat. This month it’s the six of us plus six other racers. We’re living at pastor Paul’s house here in Mwanza; there are always people around. He himself has three children but that’s just the start. Neighbors and friends are always coming and going; a gaggle of children lurk by the front door watching us, yelling “Mzungu!” at us or mimicking our actions. I couldn’t tell you all of their names or where they live – they’re just always nearby. Seven of the girls are staying in one room. Basically, there’s no escape, no retreat.
Lately though, there’s a huge part of me that wants quiet. And I haven’t been able to find it and I haven’t fought very hard to look for it because it seems always just out of my reach. Seemingly impossible, even. The only time I’ve heard quiet is late at night, when I’m awake sitting on my sleeping mat writing by the glow of my headlamp. But silence? real silence? My spirit craves it right now.
I know that there’s this place that the Lord wants to take me to. I know that there’s a deeper level that I’m supposed to find. But I don’t even really know how to find it because I’ve never been there before.
Once a friend told me that I should to learn to be silent before the Lord. He told me that even if being around people can recharge me, I need to consciously, purposefully be silent sometimes. Honestly, I wrote him off and thought that it was a little bit silly. My little, somewhat snobbish inner voice was saying, “I’m fine. I’m good around people. People + me = happiness.” Being alone is not a priority, or at least it hasn’t been until now. Until it became impossible to find. Until I realized that I couldn't find it, and then all of a sudden it was all I wanted.
It has been 146 days since I left my house and flew to Georgia for launch. One hundred and forty six days. It’s true when they say that you’re never really alone on the Race. You aren’t. I’m never far from at least one of my teammates, but more likely I’m near all of them. “Alone time” has become sitting with my eyes closed and my headphones in. Or maybe it means simply turning around so that you aren’t facing people within your immediate vicinity.
As I type this, I’m at a separate table from my team at a hotel in town using the internet. I may not be with them but there are several dozen people around at different tables, laughing over drinks or lunch. There are kids directly behind me playing in a pool, splashing loudly and having fun on this beautiful day.
I think that the Lord has a fun sense of humor and a brilliant sense of timing. Impeccable timing. We’ve talked a lot as a team lately about how hard it is to find quiet. For the first week or so of the discussion I mentally checked out, still certain that it didn’t apply to me. And then these past few days I started to realize that it does, and that I do need Jesus without outside stimulation. Why does it take me so long to learn such simple lessons?
Lamentations 3:24-26 says, “I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”
It also says to let him sit alone in silence. Funny that I thought it didn’t apply to me. Funny that I thought I could get along with lots of short conversations with God rather than one long, legitimate, deep conversation. No wonder I sometimes have a hard time listening to Him.
Corresponding with my realization that I desire silence was a message from one of my best friends. I had been talking about how I sometimes feel like I don’t hear from the Lord. Her response to me said that it’s all correlated with how much time I spend listening. Not just as a check off, but intentionally listening to Him. She reassured me that He speaks to me every day, that He guides me, and that He’ll reveal His voice to me when I sit with Him.
It was another “Duh!” moment.
I love(d) the bustle of these first few months on the Race, but I know that I’m worn out. And, contrary to what I thought and against my natural tendencies, I know that I need something other than bustle. I need stillness. I’m starting to suspect that these people might have caught on to something. Maybe there’s something to be said for silence. I'll let you know when I find it.
[Quiet places I have found]
