I. Shaved. My. Head.
Never in my life has my hair been as short as it is right now.
Maybe you’re surprised.
Maybe it comes as a shock.
Maybe you’re sitting there, mouth agape.
That’s fair, I suppose.
Months ago, at training camp for the Race, some women were discussing shaving their heads. Me, being the radical crazy gal I am, jumped on board the conversation. I remember thinking about it, and flip flopping between doing it or not. I was waiting for some sort of confirmation that I was supposed to shave my head and dive into mostly bald-ness.
Fast forward to Launch in Gainsville. Between Camp and Launch, a few squadmates had radically changed their hair. One woman did shave her head as a fundraiser, another had an adorable pixie cut, others had donated between 8 and 12 inches. Again, I thought about possibly shaving my head, but I waited.
I couldn’t have told you what I was waiting for. I wanted to cut off all of my hair. I think I was waiting for a burning bush…or a cosmic explosion. Who knows?
During high school, it wouldn’t have been far off to describe me as vain. I put my worth in what others thought of me, and it tended to pay off for the most part. When I graduated from high school and went to college however, I
A) was no longer in sports and didn’t make time to work out
B) was not getting attention like I had been
I gained the classic freshman weight and wasn’t thrilled with myself. It wasn’t the end of the world, but in order to cover up the fact that I didn’t love the way I looked, I went in the opposite direction. I put on a demeanor of not caring at all; I pretended that I believed myself beautiful. I told myself that I was secure in my identity, and therefore rarely wore makeup and was pretty low-maintenance. I easily pseudo-convinced myself that the Lord believed me beautiful. It was never quite true. There was a part of me that simply didn’t believe it. I didn’t feel beautiful.
And then, our team got into Chisinau in preparation to leave for Nepal, I saw my fantabulous squad leader Christy in the hallway of our hostel and almost didn’t recognize her. She had shaved her head the week before. I get on facebook and see that the beautiful U-squad woman I had met has also shaved her head. Two shaved heads in one week? Confirmation maybe?
Nah. I needed more. A pride wall jumped up and told me that if I shaved my head now, I’d be following a trend. I do not really enjoy following and jumping on bandwagons. So I put the idea from my head.
While I sat in the airport of Doha, Qatar on my way to Kathmandu, a fellow squadmate wrote a single word on my hand – flawless. Flawless? Oh, Lordy. I spent the next flight into Delhi with my hair in my beanie, just to see what I would look like once it was all gone. I knew it was coming, most definitely.
We got to our contact in Kathmandu, only to briefly meet some X-squaders on their way out. An entire team has recently shaved their heads. I literally cannot escape the concept of shaving my head. The following morning (on November 11, 2011) I read my teammates devotional – My Utmost for His Highest. And I quote:
“God’s command is, ‘Take now,’ not later. It is incredible how we debate! We know something is right, but we try to find excuses for not doing it immediately. If we are to climb to the height God reveals, it can never be done later – it must be done now. And the sacrifice must be worked through our will before we actually perform it.”
I laughed out loud, showed it to Caroline, and we found ourselves some clippers.
That evening, my hair was gone. And it felt good.
The Lord asked me, “Jenna, do you trust me? Do you trust that I believe you’re beautiful? That I adore you? That nothing can separate you from my love? That you are my beloved? My daughter? That no matter what you look like, these things will always be?”
And for months (years if I’m honest), I had said, “Sometimes, Lord. Sometimes those things seem true.”
Finally, I said yes.
Yes, I trust you Father.
Yes, you think that I am beautiful, and I in turn see myself as such.
Yes, I will obey your voice.
Yes, I want more of you, whatever form it comes in.
Yes, I will go deeper, I will follow where you lead.
And man, oh man, was it worth it.
