Can I preface this real quick for you? Kay, sweet.
[Preface start] I have put off writing a new post because I felt like I had to have something EPIC to say. Nothing seemed awesome enough; nothing recently seemed worthy of being put into words. It all just seemed like a jumble of normal, usual stuff. [Preface end]
So I simply said…nothing. I realize now my silence was because of my pride.
And I want (and feel a need) to confess that to you.
When I get asked about the Race, I become animated. I love talking about it. I LOVE telling others about it, about where I’m going, about why I’m leaving. It’s honestly hard to shut me up once I get going. I am thrilled to have opportunities to tell others about the Lord, about who He is, and what He’ll do (I can only imagine!), and how worthy He is. Why, then, is writing a post so difficult?
Truthfully, it’s because I want the glory sometimes. Often in these past three weeks or so, I just wanted a good story. I wanted something ridiculous, something epic to happen so that I could write about it. Don’t get me wrong, without a doubt, I want people to see God’s glory. I want them to see Him moving, see how He’s working in situations, in people and through people. I want them to stand in awe of who He is. Recently though, I think I wanted them to also look at me and be astounded at how God might be using me. As if that made me special, more worthy or more…anything. It doesn’t, and it won’t. It was straight up arrogance and pride that kept me from updating about the mundane or the normal, even when good things happened.
I have read so many books, so many blogs, so many stories about God showing up. I can’t get enough of them. And while they’re encouraging, they made me disappointed with my own life. Afterwards, I would sit and think, “Why doesn’t that ever happen in my life? Do I not trust enough? Is my faith weak? What’s wrong? Why doesn’t God show up like that…here?” I haven’t been envying people’s possessions, but I have wanted their stories. For my own gain. For my glory.
Woah. Hold up. That’s not okay.
In Habakkuk, the Lord says, “For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea.” It definitely doesn’t say the earth will be filled with the glory of Jenna… that’s for sure.
To remedy this mindset, I went to the Word. Lamentations, specifically. After over two chapters of telling about the punishment God has exacted, the author says this (3.21-24):
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I will remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
I want my eyes to remain focused on the Lord, not on myself. I will wait for Him, I will wait for His timing and His plan because great is His faithfulness. I don't think that I had seen the Lord as my portion, I definitely wasn't waiting for Him. It's almost like I was mad at Him for doing cool things everywhere around me but in my life. Absurd, don't you think? I think so too. I have had a hard time even celebrating the greatness of God because it simply made me jealous. I needed the reminder – his compassions are new every morning, and it is HIS glory that will fill the earth.
So here I am, apologizing for not updating you on the sweet things that I've seen the Lord do, on the things I've learned or on how this entire Race-process is going. I'm sorry. I hope to have more updates for you soon.
