Malaysia
I have to admit, despite the constant warnings to leave my expectations at the door, I unconsciously dragged some with me. I knew I'd often be dirty and uncomfortable. I knew my clothes would seldom be clean, I'd most likely be either too hot or too cold, and I'd have to rely on undependable or, often times, downright scary transportation. I knew there would be crazy bugs (racing spiders in Mozambique – most terrifying thing EVER), dirty bathrooms, and the strong likelyhood of sickness in my future (although 8 out of 11 months is just plain ridiculous!). I knew community would be hard (understatment of the year). But knowing, I have found, is ever so much different than experiencing.
I came on this race because I was no longer content with who I was. I toed the party line… there was (is) a need in the world, and I wanted to do my part. I wanted to revitalize the world for Christ, while He transformed me into the person He has always intended me to be. As I wind down on month 11, I realize that I had an expectation after all. I expected to be changed.
At first, the thought of going home scared me. How can I go back the same person?! What about my supporters? My family and friends? They expect someone new. They expect profound thoughts and crazy devotion to God. They expect someone, that somewhere along the way, I forgot to become. But after my initial panic passes, I start to think that perhaps I have changed. Maybe only in small ways, but maybe that's enough. See, I've learned that God doesn't want to throw out all our raw material… He created that raw material, after all. He simply wants to mold us into something a little more refined.
　
So what have I learned in 11 months?
— I've learned that humans are relational creatures. That we are created to be defined by something other than ourselves, and we constantly allow that "other" to be man.
— I have learned that I am defined by who God says I am, and no other. And He says that I am free. I am redeemed. I am a daughter. I am bold, beautiful, courageous, and loved.
— I have learned that community is downright difficult at times, but often lovely, and always necessary. That there is beauty in prefering others. And that they will remember the gift of a good seat on the bus, more than I will remember the difficulty of the bad (in fact, the bad seat often makes the better story later… ask me about Swaziland sometime).
— I've learned faith in God. It seems almost silly to say. I'm a Christian, so of course I have faith in God. But saying you have faith, and FEELING faith are two completely different things. I had seen miracles before, but it was being forced into complete dependance on Him that changed my heart (not much you can do when your car breaks down 3 times in the middle of the Ecuadorian jungle, or when your bus stalls out half-way up a mountain in Swaziland, but pray and trust God to get you there).
As Donald Miller says in the forward of his book, "Blue like Jazz," sometimes you have to see someone else love something before you can. Sometimes they have to show you the way. I've learned faith from men and women who live with 1/10th of the things I find necessary in life. And they live joyously and fully. Giving thanks to God daily, and worshiping Him beautifully. They have shown me what it means to live by faith.
　
Maybe I'm not transformed. But I think, maybe, my raw material is a little less raw.
And maybe, just maybe, I'm not the same person after all.
