It’s insane how fast time flies when it is full.
These past 11 months of my life have flown by at a rate I never knew was possible. Yet my days have been filled with heights and depths I never thought reachable.
As I lay thinking about it all I am overwhelmed with emotions too great for words.
This past year has changed my life.
Actually.
Correction.
This year I have fallen head over heels in love with my Father, and He has changed my life. (If I have learned one thing this year it’s that I myself have zero life changing capabilities.)
I came on the World Race because there was something I felt I wasn’t getting. I was halfhearted, dissatisfied, a bit lost, and a lot in need of something to bring me to life again.
I came on the Race because I thought it would fix me. I thought through travel, ministry, adventure and meeting new people I would finally feel fully alive. Maybe even free.
The contradicting thing is that the Race itself has not made me feel alive or even free.
When I came on the race I was confused. I believe in God. I was a Christian. Yet I lacked intimate relationship with Him. I knew nothing of discipline. My relationship with Him was shallow, it included talking to Him briefly every once in a while. And I was reallllllyyyy good at faking it- making people believe Him & I were tight.
I didn’t love Him. Heck I couldn’t, I didn’t know Him.
I sought after worldly things eagerly and without satiation to fill that deep spot in my soul that only abidance with the Father can satisfy. I lied, I hid things from people, I blatantly turned my back on God.
A few months into the race I quickly realized that deep seated pain and dissatisfaction do not go away when you change location.
Though I was stubborn I was desperate and soon enough I owned up to the reality of my flailing soul.
As I was honest at the feet of my Heavenly Father I fell apart. I bore my soul to Him and handed Him every part of me that I had previously thought I could control.
First being brave enough to expose the places that hurt
Then learning I didn’t have to live a life searching for someone to love me any longer.
And presently, everyday, handing myself over to the one I know is the completion to my story. The one I know is the piece that I always felt was missing. Developing a relationship that began to fill up that empty spot within.
I replaced my enslavement to earthly pleasures with sweet time spent with my creator.
I learned about discipline.
About Him offering righteousness
About real grace, not just the cheap stuff that makes you think it’s okay to sin and get away with it.
But the true kind that transforms, and renews. The Romans 6 kind.
After that I have never been the same.
And when I think about who He has made me into this past year I often resort to weeping out of deep humility and recognition of how unworthy I am. And out of the sheer sweetness of it all.
I am not perfect. I still mess up. I am so undeserving of everything He has given me. But this love affair & Him choosing to forgive me…. This thing Him and I have got going. It is my deepest joy.
My life is simple now.
It is Him and I, I and Him.
He is all there is.
He is the only focus, the only pursuit, my everything.
I came on the Race with the desperate need for something else that I could not put my finger on.
I am ending the race not only aware of what I need but completely and utterly in love with THE ONE I need.
The name of the game is abidance.
The name of the game is intimacy with the Father.
To fall in love with someone you have to get to know them first. It’s crazy what talking to the Father does for your relationship.
It is not about the travel, or the adventure, or even the ministry.
Those things are all beautiful. And don’t get me wrong, I have loved the race. I really love the lifestyle of moving around loving on people and living with little. I could do it for the rest of my life if that is what He wants.
But those things are not where my thrill comes from, or even my satisfaction.
He is.
And I LOVE ministry, it is full of miracles, it’s a 24/7 no time off life’s work. It’s one of my greatest joys. It is the place I feel most humbled.
But ministry only happens when I can hear Him. And I can only hear Him when I know Him.
And I know without a doubt that when we pursue Him with all of our being the rest becomes secondary.
When we abide, He works out the rest how He wants it to be.
In the end we over complicate it so much. When in reality if we just seek Him, everything else will happen as it should. The ministry will happen from overflow. The future will be shown to you in practical steps. Food and shelter will come from the most unlikely places.
So for whatever is next in my life….
I choose abidance. I choose everyday with my dad. I choose the One who has captured my every affection. I choose my best friend.
I love the World Race, (seriously you should go- it’s awesome) But the race itself did not give me what I was looking for. My dad did.
I promise Your experience on the race will be equivelent to how much ownership you are willing to take of hard things.
life for me will never be the same
I’m never going back.
As for what is next for me-
In the words of the wonderful lifelong missionary and wife Elizabeth Elliot- “I have one desire left. To live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord giving Him everything I have.”
