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Everyone’s been asking if I’m okay. Everyone’s been talking and writing about the earthquake. In answer to the first, I’m fine. As far as writing about the earthquake…I could probably write a book on just the day of the earthquake alone. It seemed so overwhelming at first that I almost just decided to skip blogging for the month of Nepal. It was almost too overwhelming to even process it with God. Where do you even begin??? I thought for the sake of people back home, I’d just start at the beginning and go from there. This won’t even begin to cover everything, but here’s some of my experience from that day.
On Tuesday, May 12th, I woke up bright and early to the beautiful Himalayan mountain range. The local people made us hot tea and we drank as we looked out over the mountains. I remember I said something about how I felt we were on the set of “Lord of the Rings” to which one of my squad mates proceeded to hum the score film music (seriously, how was I just blessed with people like this that get me?). Then some of my friends and I hiked back up to the top of the mountain in hopes of seeing the sunrise before ministry that day. We got all the way to the top as I heard my squad leader say in her swag accent, “it was worth it y’all.” I looked out and saw the snow topped Himalayas and remember feeling so seen and spoiled by God to be given gifts like these (seriously…I think mountains are my love language). Sometimes when God gives me really good mornings with Him, it’s to prepare me for the day…this was another one of those days that turned out to be true.
As a squad we were digging through the rubble, building walls, helping cook, playing with kids, etc. We took a break for lunch. I was fasting that day, so I grabbed my Bible, headed to my tent on the edge of the mountain, and began to pray. It wasn’t long before some of my team showed up to sit and talk with me. I kinda wanted alone time with The Lord, but looking back now, I’m so glad I wasn’t on the edge of that mountain alone. I was staring out at the view, when in the corner of my eye, I saw the water in my water bottle tremor. The pebbles on the ground began to do the same and continued to get stronger when seconds later, the whole mountain was shaking like I’ve never seen. We were experiencing a 7.4 earthquake less than 20 miles away from the epicenter. My gut instinct since I was a little kid was to look for my dad at the first sign of danger. Whether I was in an amusement park and thought I was lost, wandered too far and saw a stranger, etc. I always looked to my dad for safety and security. For a brief moment, I remember feeling scared when the mountains were shaking and we couldn’t even stand. I caught myself looking around frantically and saying those same words, “Dad?” My dad from back home obviously couldn’t protect me this time, but I found when I looked for my Heavenly Father that I never left His arms. And He held me.
And that’s, for the most part, the memory I take away from that day. I’ve never felt more seen, more safe, or more held in my life. It still hurt though. It hurt to be held safely by God while looking down the mountain, watching people’s houses crumble, collapse, and turn to dust before our eyes. When the earth stopped shaking, their cries and screams went on for minutes and there was nothing I could do. Looking back now, I wonder if that’s why God was holding me.
Still not really feeling any danger, a squad mate came and told us to pack as soon as possible cause we were moving out. I couldn’t understand why the people we were here to help and give hope to, we were abandoning at the first sign of danger. (At the same time, I totally understand and respect AIM’s decision. Those were just my feelings.) We packed as soon as we could and hiked back up the mountain. I saw their faces as we hiked back up and couldn’t get over how much of a jerk I felt. A little girl ran beside me then grabbed my hand, convinced she was going to help me back up the mountain. We’d be talking and laughing and then another aftershock would hit randomly during our hike. We’d hear someone yell to get down and the little girl would frantically grab my arm in fear. I kept rubbing her back trying to tell her it was ok and that Jesus is here and would protect us, but she had sheer terror in her eyes. Her whole body was shaking. Not that I could blame her, I could barely convince myself. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be a kid through this where the ground beneath your feet is no longer safe.
By the time we reached the top of the mountain, we found we would be refugees for the next couple of days as it was too dangerous to try and drive back down the mountain in case another earthquake hit. Surprisingly, those couple of days were my favorite on the Race. I got to live around these people and experience almost the same fears they had. I got to surrender that fear to The Lord and literally trust Him with my life. I got to eat dried noodles, wake up to the Himalayan sunrise and fresh mountain air every morning, take naps on pine needles on the side of a mountain, not take a shower OR change my clothes for three days straight and smell absolutely terrible…but I loved it. I got to face paint the village kids and see them laugh and smile in the midst of losing their homes.
I would love to write more…but there was SO much that happened. Please read my team and squad mates blogs on the side to find more! There was so much to the month of Nepal. It’s the most beautiful country and culture I’ve ever experienced. It pushed my faith to a level that I’ve never been to and I felt so privileged that God entrusted me to walk through that with me. In the end, it made me stronger. I realized a couple years ago that no matter what I experience, life is SO sweet when it’s walked with Jesus. Even when I don’t get the things I think I want. I’ve just learned to trust Him, give Him the reigns, and I’ve watched Him radically change my life. So for those of you wondering why God would let this kind of catastrophe happen, I totally understand the “I hate God approach”…I’ve been there before too. The one thing I wish someone would’ve told me was to not give up on God. Things won’t always make sense in the moment. My favorite is when EVERYTHING hurts, when NOTHING makes sense, and God feels DISTANT, but I choose to trust Him anyways…and He really does come through every time. I’ve already seen God redeeming and restoring the people of Nepal.
It was a little scary at first. We’ve been in Malaysia for over a week now and sometimes I still feel like I’m shaking. But I remember I’ve never felt more safe in my life then when the earth was shaking, but God was holding me STILL on the side of that mountain. In the words of my wise squad leader, “It was worth it y’all.”
He has called me higher,
Jenn
