Lately, the Lord has given me the gift of contentment, which I am so thankful for. Praise Him! But on more difficult days, this is how reentry can feel:
Sometimes it feels like I’m fading.
It’s like just when I can finally see
that girl with the megaphone
claiming, shouting her identity,
I get slammed head first back into reality
once again trying to figure out how to be.
It takes a village to keep me
in the right frame of mind.
But when my village changes, I find
my colors growing dimmer.
A boiling pot turned down to a simmer.
Back on the assembly line
of human production
trying to figure out how to function
in a world that is not my home.
It feels like I’m going it alone,
but that’s not right.
There are so many others in this fight
with me in this moment.
But my faith doesn’t always show it.
So I’m begging You to grow it.
And me.
Until I can only see
my true reflection.
Not some collection
of identities
I feel are pre-prescribed to me.
I just need to be
still.
My God will fight for me.
So Lord dip Your paintbrush
into that living water.
Sweep a new coat over Your struggling daughter.
Actually forget the brush.
Just dump the whole thing right over me.
I want to swim in a bottomless sea
that never runs dry
no matter how much the world may try
to suck the life out of it.
Some things fade in the sun
but not this one.
See, I’m designed to reflect.
In the shade I’m flat and grey and dull.
But when I’m in His light,
you can’t even look at me, I’m so bright.
Sometimes I feel like I’m fading.
Spending too much time in the shade lately I guess.
Lord, open up a new box of colored pencils.
And take out your Jen shaped stencils.
And re-draw the outlines.
Smooth, rich, and dark.
and color me in with permanent markers
letting the ink saturate my pages
and bleed all the way through
until the only marks are the ones put there by You.
Sometimes I feel like I’m fading.
And when I do,
remind me that butterflies can’t go back into their cocoons.
P.S. Want more? Check out my NEW BLOG SITE www.jeniferjones.com
