India has been more of a challenge for me than any other month thus far. Granted I’m comparing the living situation to eastern Europe, so it’s to be expected that India would be a challenge. Greater heat, the threat of malaria, limited internet, and a very foreign culture have proved to be a challenge not only to me, but to my team as a whole.
I came into India expecting to need a lot of grace and encouragement from my team. I’ve been on the field for 3 months living with the same people, so I expected my introverted side to be screaming for alone time, and my attitude to be foul in response to the fact that I will never really have alone time. I didn’t know what to expect as far as food, so I anticipated being fairly hungry this month. I was worried that ministry would be something that I wouldn’t enjoy, and that it would leave me utterly exhausted. In fact, I had been concerned about this month since before Training Camp. I know myself well enough to be aware when I might be thrown into a situation that will make me difficult to be around. I had great hope that my team would love me enough to extend me the grace and patience that I needed to get through a bad attitude and accept what the month would be.
Turns out this month looked about the opposite of what I thought. I’ve had introvert time. My team is still surrounding me, but we all have been pretty good about respecting personal time. We have been eating like hobbits. We have legitimately had second breakfast several times this month, let alone various snacks through the day and lunches and dinners that are huge. The food is pretty much exactly the same every day, but still, we are never wanting. Ministry has been good for me. It has certainly stretched me in public speaking and praying out loud, but we go out mostly at night when the sun won’t bake my skin to being crispy and red. It’s tiring, but not to the point of exhaustion. For me, this month has been a challenge, but not to the point of me wearing my grumpy pants 24/7.
My team has had more of a challenge with this month than I have. I don’t blame them either, because I thought it would be just as difficult for me. However, some of my teammates were struggling a lot with this month. They were negative, complained, and frankly had a terrible attitude about almost everything. It frustrated me to the core, especially when I compared them to myself. I can handle the culture change, so why can’t they? Why won’t they open up…can’t they see that by withdrawing they are hurting the rest of the team? Don’t they see how their negative attitude feeds the rest of the team a negative attitude?
The very grace I expected to need from my team was what I was unwilling to give to my teammates who needed it. I was more concerned about myself and what I thought I needed than what my teammates were going through. I didn’t want to have the patience to sit through their struggle with them; I wanted them to just instantly feel better and fix their attitude so that I could keep up my ‘better’ attitude. I was uncomfortable and couldn’t even pull myself out of how I was feeling enough to serve my team. I was being completely selfish, and the icing on the cake was allowing myself to compare my teammates to myself. We are each on different journeys and learning different lessons…there is no room for comparison.
While I never was outright about how I felt and what I was thinking, I still failed as a teammate. When there was need for love and grace I was silent and held in the frustration and impatience that wanted to spew out of my heart. I was more caught up in my personal victory of not being Mr. Grumpy Gills this month that I held contempt for those who were struggling (which didn’t make me grumpy, but it stole my joy). I’m thankful I kept my mouth shut about it, but God broke my heart for what I allowed to live inside of me for so long. When I realized that I was allowing poison to course through my bloodstream and into my heart I realized how much grace I still need. Thankfully God helped me change my attitude almost immediately. Now I can look at my teammates when they are struggling and extend love and patience instead of looking at them with disdain that threatened to overwhelm and take over the gratitude for what God had provided for this month. Only God could have done that for me. And only God could provide the joy that followed when I humbly stepped into what I should have been doing for my team.
How quickly we forget that everyone needs grace.
Thank God His grace is sufficient.
PS here in India us girls are often given flowers to put in our hair.
Get over your hill and see what you find there with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
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