If you haven't read part 1 you should do so, and can by clicking here.
After the first few days of TC I settled in to living with my squad, and I felt genuinely accepted by everyone, even those with whom I had barely conversed. So many people had breakthroughs early in the week, and one night we spent hours around a campfire sharing stories of brokenness and God's healing. It was truly a beautiful night, and I was so blessed by every story that was shared and honored to know every person. But I spent much of that night sitting alone. Nobody sat to the right or left of me for much of the sharing, and I didn't know how to handle it. I felt alone, but I knew I wasn't. Nobody was ignoring me, and I could have easily stood up, moved over, and sat down next to anyone. Even though I knew this, I still sat there, alone. Somehow I knew God had to deal with me. I was still waiting for my breakthrough. I knew God was showing up at TC, even for me, but I was waiting for something bigger; I could feel it starting. While the breakthrough didn't happen that night, God showed me that I was still afraid of not being accepted. These lies that have haunted me since elementary school still plagued my mind. This is the night God broke me, in fact I teared up a bit (I didn't cry…that happened later).
I didn't expect how He planned to bring me healing.
Later that week (it really might have been the day after the campfire, or maybe a few days after. I have no idea. Everything blurred together that week) we learned about prophesying, and practiced with each other. [Note: this may sound strange to you, but please consider this. Prophesy is usually forthtelling, which means speaking God's word as it is right now (It isn't always telling the future). Also, it isn't always super crazy, like "God is telling me that you have 9 cats and 5 ferrets, and your hamster just died. And you also love to watch Jersey Shore, but God wants you to give up your favorite cat and stop watching Jersey Shore and watch Survivor instead." [intentionally ridiculous example] Prophesy is learning to listen to what God has to say in another person's life. It will be accurate for a person's life if it truly prophesy, but it might just seem simple. He doesn't always speak through you, but we are responsible to learn how to listen to His voice and tell others when we have something for them. Sorry, long note…] During this time three things were spoken over me: Confidence, Power, and God's love is stable.
Fact: I cried when I heard "confidence". (I was completely calm, and as soon as confidence was said: boom, tears, rivers of tears.) I've always struggled with confidence. I was that nerdy kid who always seemed to know the answers but would never raise her hand. I was terrified of being wrong. As I grew older I was scared of meeting new people because I was afraid of rejection and being made fun of. I know who I am in Christ, and I have confidence around my friends, but God wanted to see MORE of Him and His acceptance. He wants me to see how precious I am to Him as His daughter. Whoa. And I will be learning this more this year, and each day until the day I die.
"Power" – This was completely unexpected. God made me with a purpose, and it will be to display His power. He does this using our weaknesses as we humbly obey Him and follow where He leads. I'm excited to see where He leads and how He uses me this year to display His power.
"God's love is stable" – When I first heard this I was confused, then as it settled into my head I started tearing up (again) and giggling. It was something I struggled with, because so many of my close friendships were not stable, and their display of love towards me (often even described as them showing God's love to me) was also unstable. So my view of love, and specifically God's love, was skewed, but it took this to make me see HOW distorted my thinking was. I laughed because it was a beautiful truth, and how dull must I be to miss it? But God loves me enough to show me, and to use others.
This broke down many of my walls I had built against community, and I allowed myself to speak my mind more, and to step out knowing my squadmates and teammates would listen to me, lovingly correct me if I'm wrong, and take what I say to heart if I'm right. I still have lots to learn, and far to go. God is drawing me deeper, and he will use my squad to lavish His love upon me along with some other ways that I likely will not expect. I was opened up to community, and I've only had a taste of it. They have already lavished love on me, and we haven't even left the US! I have 11 months with these people: learning, growing, making mistakes, forgiving, loving, ministering, and pursuing God. Every wall I encounter, God will break down, and He will use my team and my squad to do so.
Just look at these beautiful people I get to do life with!
[Photo credit: Nikki Friesen]
