I have been home for two weeks. Two whole weeks, one in Ohio, another in Florida. Siesta Key beach has been a great place to recover from the toll the race takes on one’s body and to find places to process my journey of the past year. In one sense I feel I have effectively processed part of my journey. In this sense, I feel I have made progress, that I am closer to understanding and packaging into a concise, recite-able statement, just what happened, just what I saw, did and what about me has changed. In another sense, I feel as though this past year is a giant yarn ball of memories, experiences and thoughts, that will never be completely unwound. The more I think, the more I realize, both of these feelings are accurate and both are good.
When life can be easily compartmentalized and fully understood, it can be boring. Like a sterile hospital supply closet, the compartmentalized life is safe, but boring. Everything has a purpose and everything is understood but there is no mystery, nothing to be discovered later. I think the race doesn’t provide participants with these sorts of understandings, but rather that of a second hand book shop. A place that may not be perfectly organized, may not be beautiful, and may not be the most accessible to an outsider, but with exploration and maybe a conversation with the owner, can reveal hidden gems, beauty, and wisdom. I have determined that I will never be able to sit down and provide a comprehensive, all access look into life on the race, this conversation would take years. I have rather discovered that by simply living life the way we are called, to its fullest, many stories and memories surface and when shared, bring life to those around us.
As with any completed task, you finish, and you evaluate. You ask, “what did I do well, what could I have done better?” These questions are healthy and a lot can be gained from them, but at the end of the day, the past unfolded as it was meant to, the past cannot be changed and regrets inhibit your performance in the present. There are moments I look back on and think, in this moment, I gave it my all, I brought heaven to earth and I was intimately acting on the voice of God. There are also moments I look back on and recall hearing clearly the voice of God, and ignoring it. God only sees the moments we listened, and so should we, while learning from the times we didn’t listen.
A returning racer faces questions about the future, and being a returning racer, I have faced many questions about my future. What am I doing? Where will I go? In the nature of transparency, I don’t know. I entered the race, expecting to be radically moved by one place, one cause, or one person and thus return, passionate about involvement with that thing. This did not happen the way I thought it would. People impacted me, ministries moved me, and places fascinated me, but none left me with the feeling that I had to be involved in the future. Midway through the race, upon realizing that I had not found my passion yet, I felt pressured to find it. I tried to force things, or convince myself that I was passionate about something I wasn’t until God reminded me that my future is in his hands. Opportunities will present themselves, the next step will become clear, and in the mean time, I am called to share my journey with those around me. I am called to share the things I did, share the good times and the bad, share the places and people I met.
As I sit on a coffee house patio, serenaded by the distant sound of a Buffet cover artist, I can’t help but realize that I am at peace. I am at peace about the race, I feel peace about the uncertainties of my future, and I am at peace with the differences I have found in the America to which I return. This peace, coupled with the sensation a runner feels at the end of a race, is satisfying. This satisfaction won’t last forever, but I am called to enjoy it now, and until the next season of my life begins.
Thanks for all of your support and readership this year, it has been a true blessing to know that I have been covered in constant prayer and love!
Thanks for reading!
