It was day two and I had already had enough. Every morning I would wake up with the weight of the world on my chest in El Salvador and every night I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep because my heart was writhing in pain and the thoughts in my mind were so loud. During the day I would be beside myself. Everyone could see it. My team would ask me what was wrong and if I was ok. I would just nod my head and move on with helping the kids at the nutrition center we were working with that month. As the days went on, the feelings got worse. I would spend time with God in the mornings. I would pray, listen to worship music, and immerse myself in His presence. Nothing changed. I would try to stay busy and ignore my heart but that didn’t turn out to be a very good way to deal with the problem (it never is). Everyday, every moment, I would just fight through the pain and the hurt to make it to the next morning where I could cry in the shower because that is the only place that I was alone and already wet with something that wasn’t my tears. I didn’t want anyone to suspect anything. I reached out for prayer from some people back home. They prayed and I appreciated it but nothing seemed to be changing.
Let’s rewind to a few weeks before. I honestly felt like I should have stayed home. I met with a friend of mine that is a missionary to Guatemala and he had asked if I was excited. My honest answer to him was, “no”. I think he was surprised. I told him that I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of living out of a backpack and hopping around the globe. Does it sound adventurous, fun, extreme, dangerous and seem like very few people get to do something like that in their lifetime? Yes. And that is what I was getting caught up with more than the actual mission. I went on to tell him that I would much rather like to plant myself with Him for a few months or so and invest in the community and invest in the lives of the people there instead of moving on to something else. I’m not saying God isn’t using the World Race to touch lives – He most certainly is. But what I was passionate about doing was church planting and digging into life in one place and I was letting the danger and extremeness and how people thought I was crazy and awesome for doing something like the World Race fuel my direction instead of my passion for what I know I wanted to do. I know that now and felt that before I left.
I felt like I had no choice but to go. What I assumed everyone would say if I didn’t go plagued my mind. Thoughts of people thinking I was just staying home because of Keri echoed deep. Hearing people say that their investment in me was for nothing scared me. I had to go. I was in too deep now. Other people on my squad and on other squads were choosing to stay home and I couldn’t understand why but now I do. There are two ways to honor the 11 month commitment: to stay the whole 11 months or to not go at all. I’ve learned that now and I wish it was something I would have thought about before I left.
So with all of this going through my mind, that’s when I decided I needed to fast. I needed to seek the Lord and get some clarity and strength because all I wanted to do was pack my bags. It wasn’t because I didn’t like our ministry, the people on my team, or being in this country. I was just sick of hurting so much and carrying around the heaviness. I was tired of being in a place where a month earlier I felt like I shouldn’t be. Something needed to give. So I fasted for one day. Fasting in the past always seemed to give me some sort of clarity from the Lord and through scripture.
During that day I got alone with God several times throughout the day to just cry out to Him, ask Him what is going on in my heart and why wasn’t he giving me any answers, comfort or peace. At the end of day one I wrote this in my journal: “I don’t know if it’s Jesus or not but right now I feel empowered. Not happy, not healed, just empowered. I feel like I’ve been hit by so much shrapnel but the Spirit is slowly filling me with strength to open my eyes, brush myself off and start running straight ahead again.” I knew one day of fasting wasn’t enough. I decided to fast again the next day. God was definitely working in my heart and preparing me for an answer that He was going to give me and I didn’t want to give up just yet. I wanted to continue to seek Him and prepare my heart to hear from him.
The next morning I skipped breakfast, feeling the same weight and unbearable pain in my heart that I did the day before. I cried in the shower again and got ready to meet some of the youth group from the church we are working with here to go hike up a mountain in the national park. I put a smile on and meandered around the trail with the rest of the group. I was silent but it was partly because I was praying hard on that walk. “God please talk to me. Speak to my spirit. What am I supposed to do. I know you’re here with me even though I don’t feel you at all.” We have been walking for about an hour at this point and we started to hike up a very steep trail. As I was praying and telling God I didn’t know if I could do this everyday for 10 months something in the deepest part of my heart heard, “I’ll love you no matter what.” I’ve heard this voice before. It was different than my own. I haven’t heard it very often in my life but it’s so distinguishing. I walked a little slower at this point. Partly because I was tired. But the other reason was because Him giving the choice and just confirming that He always loved me wasn’t the answer I was expecting. I just wanted the Lord to tell me to leave now or stay the whole time. What I heard in my heart was playing over and over again in my head. As we got to the top of the mountain I looked at the view – it was amazing. We were so high up that you could see the coast and the ocean and of course it’s never-ending trail off to the horizon. And in my heart I felt that It was just a reminder of Gods never-ending love and grace.I started to pray some more. There was what seemed like a mini covered pavilion that my team had gathered under. I went over and laid down looking up at the sky. Right by my head was the bottom of the wooden railing. I etched this into it: JG 2015. In the old testament, when God would speak to people they would stop where they were and build an altar to God and name that place something. So etching my initials and the year in the railing was my altar to God – this is the place, on this mountain top that God confirmed the next step with His love. The choice was mine.
As we made our descent down the mountain I felt weightless. I felt a peace in my heart. After we got back from the hike, I had checked my phone. I had a few messages from Keri. She knew I was fasting but wasn’t really sure about what or why. All she knew is that it was for direction. The things she included in her message seemed as if she had had a conversation with God right after I did and He filled her in to what He was talking to me about. I was amazed at God’s confirmation and faithfulness at adding even more detail to what He was telling me through the things that Keri was saying about obeying God and making decisions with my free will and trusting that He will guide me no matter what. So that was it. God confirmed that no matter what He would love me and guide me
I know there will be people that will feel that they wasted their hard earned money sending it to Adventures In Missions since I’m only participating on the race for a small amount of time. To you I would first like to say that your gifts were appreciated more than you know. Not just your gifts, but more so your spirit of generosity and love that you extended. But not just to me. I don’t want those people to think that because I’m leaving that the work has stopped or their money is for nothing. You didn’t give to me. You gave to a missions organization that is on the move! More importantly, you gave to God and His kingdom work. Because I was on the race I have the opportunity to follow a lot of racers all over the world and hear about the things that God is doing along the way on their journey. Your gifts keep that going. Your gifts make that possible! God is still using every dollar you donated to Adventures In Missions to touch lives, proclaim truth, provide physical needs, and heal the broken! And I know without a doubt that God is going to bless you for making that decision to give and put His kingdom first in your finances.
Once I made the decision to leave, I immediately emailed my supporters and told them to stop their gifts because I knew that I had all that I needed to get me that far. I’ve experienced missions in a way I never have before. It opened my eyes to a lot of things that are missing on short term trips that I’ve been on before. But I’ve also realized that something is missing and I’m not myself here. Many of you that know me from back home would realize it if you were here. I’ve been hurting and beside myself this whole month and I haven’t poured into my team and loved on them, the missionaries, or the community like I normally would. I can’t keep going on here living this double life acting like everything is ok. It’s not fair to my team, to the missionaries here, or myself. When God confirmed that He loves me no matter what, I’ve had a peace about leaving. I didn’t feel any shame or guilt. As I’ve continued to seek Him that peace remains. And at the same time every day I would wake up and the feeling of just wanting to leave would be greater and greater. I have an understanding that whether I chose to not go in the first place, or made the decision I made to come home early, I would have had to deal with people’s questions, hurts, and frustrations in much the same way. Acknowledging that lead me to repent for not bringing it up sooner and realizing there were so many things I could have done better throughout this whole process.
It’s not missions or missionary life that I feel like I don’t like. To be honest I think missions life and “normal” life are so easily confused as two separate things. If you’re a Christian, your whole life is supposed to be missional and lived in worship to God. You might think it’s different than your normal life but missionaries are normal people living their lives in a different place. I feel that I came and experienced this but not fully how I wanted to. I should have went with Chris and spent time investing months into the same community like I wanted instead of getting so caught up in the danger, extremeness, and globe-trotting of the world race. But now it’s time to come back with the lessons I’ve learned, get my partner in crime and start living this life out together – whatever that may mean for us.
I’m glad I went still. I’m glad I signed up for the race. It forced me to uproot myself from a life that was comfortable but wasn’t really making me trust Him as much as I should have been. I quit my job. I’m out of my hometown. I have nothing but Jesus to guide me to whatever He has for me next. I met an amazing woman who reminds me and points me to the love of Jesus on a daily basis. I know that I’m supposed to be in ministry with her and do life with her. I learned that I can leave to follow God no matter what I have back home – before, that wouldn’t have happened. But before then, I never had someone in my life that loved me the way Jesus does. I learned about true love, true discipleship and got a small glimpse into the routine life of a missionary and the uncertainty of life out there away from all that you know to be comfortable. If it wasn’t for the race, I wouldn’t have learned any of this.
I now realize that a lot of the people that are hurting or were hurting because of my decision to come back home were just so excited to see me leave Pittsburgh, to leave my past and my hurts behind and run after Jesus without looking back. People have voiced their heart that when I left for the race they were excited because I was finally leaving the ruins of what my life was and I was taking Jesus’ hand and venturing out away from that into something new that He has for me. I get that. But just because I’m back home doesn’t mean that the race ends.And I’m encouraged to hear their heart;its exactly the path that I still feel that I’m walking right now. Even if it doesn’t look like that to you now, I pray that it will someday.
James MacDonald always says, God’s will is an open green pasture gated with His word. There’s isn’t a bullseye to hit – there isn’t only one mark for us to aim for in terms of “God’s will”. God’s will is for us to be like Jesus and we’re here to show the world His love. God is sovereign over our decisions. Nothing takes Him by surprise. What seems to be our plan B has always been His plan A all along. If your AIM is living your life to seek Jesus and show the world His love, God will use your decisions and your passions and desires to make much of Himself. Even the mistakes.
I’ll never forget God’s call on my life to do some sort of ministry. I wrote about it in my first blog post on this blog. That’s something I know the Lord has called me to pursue and I’m intending on doing that with all that I am. I’m home now. I have big plans both for ministry and for my personal life (which are the same exact thing and cannot be separated). But at the end of the day I know that God is for me and that He is with me each step of the way. John 3:30 is still a verse that I want my life to exemplify, “He must increase; I must decrease.” I’m thankful that He’s gracious as He walks with me and gives me strength at making that a daily practice.
Thank you for all your prayers. Thank you for all of your support. God opened up crazy doors to allow me to see what He’s doing in Central America and I have no doubts that He’ll continue to do the same throughout the remainder of this year and the ones to come as I seek to proclaim His truth to the nations and serve Him wherever I find myself.
Thanks for reading this. If none of this makes sense and you still have questions… join the club. I don’t have all the answers. I’m living this life like the rest of you – one step at a time and seeking Jesus along the way. I’m no better or have it more figured out than you. But we do have something in common and that is a God that does, with more than enough love and grace to go around as we walk through this life. Your continued prayers are something that I need and am thankful for everyday! I’m excited to see what’s next on the journey! One thing I know for certain is that God is sovereign and will get the glory one way or the other. That’s a life worth living. A life lived well.
I’m still running the race and I won’t ever stop to further Gods kingdom for His glory!
