When I was a little kid, I was an absolute terror. We're gonna skip a few years past that though onto bigger and better things. Come grade school, I was a little chubbier, only wore cords or sweats, had bleach blonde hair, was tongue tied, and my achilles tendons were too short making it much more comfortable to walk around on my tip toes at all times. Total number of friends: 1 male friend, 0 females. Dignity: none. I was pretty commonly picked on and that just kinda became a way of life up through about sixth grade when my metabolism suddenly kicked in and I got kinda scrawny, followed by bulking up in seventh grade.
About that time, while sitting at the lunch table, one of the boys who commonly picked on me made this comment, "Man Jed you're getting big! You could probably beat up any of us these days!" Aaaaand, right about then was when it really clicked with me that a good offense was the best defense. By becoming the bigger, more intimidating person paired with being able to dominate convos with the best stories and funniest jokes at others expense/sarcasm I was untouchable by everyone trying to do the same to me. It was also about this time that I realized I could really use growing up with sisters to my advantage and became the shoulder to cry on for all the girls that had previously wanted nothing to do with me i.e. the ultimate rebound guy.
Enter highschool and the constant pressure of being the best at absolutely everything combined with the nitpicking of the friends group I tended to be around led to another revelation; if I was always angry and indifferent nobody could hurt me and their criticism could never get through to me. What good are words if they're just hitting a wall of anger? You can't outdo that! What good are other peoples lofty expectations if I've already decided I don't care at all about their opinions?
This attitude continued up through getting saved junior year and honestly probably a fair bit after that, but God was so good. He's not really into just taking away, He's in the replacing business. He gives beauty for ashes, and joy for morning, and praise for heaviness. He's the guy who it says was more happy than anybody else in the entire world, and then we're told to be just like Him in nature. He's the one who's got this crazy idea of grace and therefore I don't have to even worry about performance, it's just a natural reaction to His goodness. I learned this, relished this, and watched it flow from God, into my life, into everyone and everything around me, and it was bliss.
Now fast forward to this month. I'm by all means an extrovert, but that being said, I definitely get my energy from my alone time. I need alone time to recharge or else eventually I'm just forced to take it in public and then you get a whole day of don't talk to me, don't touch me mode. Well I've had the better part of a month being in don't touch me, don't talk to me mode plus just being angry nonstop or straitup indifferent and I was pretty content to live that way for the first week or so truthfully. It started kinda bothering me the second week, but by yesterday it became just downright frustrating and suffocating. You see, when you have a joint that's out of place, you can probably still function with it there but it's twice the work, twice the pain, and just never feels natural. That's pretty well how it works with our identities. God's made us perfect, and we have every abilitity through His Spirit to live just like that but a lot of the time it's easier to just forget who we are and live how we find best and then it's like that constant neck kink that you just can't seem to work out.
In Luke 15, Jesus is telling the story of the prodigal son and it hits a point where He uses this key phrase: "When the son remembered who he was…." The word of God says that we're moving from glory to glory at all times. We get caught up in this funny idea that we can somehow work our way out of the gifts and callings of God when He clearly says that they're irrevocable and it call comes down to that one truth… we have to remember who we are.
I've been living out of a place of anger, frustration, and indifference because I forgot who dictates my worth. It's not ministry contacts, team mates, squad mates, or AIM leadership. It's not position, job assignment, or title. It's that I'm a son of God who's radically loved by my Father and because of that truth, all good blessings flow to me and leak out into everyone and everything I come in contact with because that's just who He's made me to be. I don't have to perform for love, I get to perform from a position of love. I'm not fighting from victory but for it. You can cut the grass all day long or you can pull it up by the root and see it done with once and for all… God's got so much love for me and for you and the second you realize what that even means, the porn addiction, the drinking, the low self esteem, the eating disorder, the anger, the nightmares, the depression, the mirror, and even the corse joking go right out the window.
Daddy, right now we just release a full measure of joy over everybody reading this blog. God has a hope, a future, and a destiny for you. You are not measured by what you do, you are measured by who God's already said you are and I just call that into rememberence. You have dreams that this world can't live without seeing, you have a testimony and a message that's unique to you and nobody else can love God or people quite like you do and that's the truth. Roll with it. God's so proud of you…. Don't argue with that point, it's the truth. He's proud of you, He's proud of you, He's sooooo so proud of you. He can't get over how great He thinks you are. He catches and holds every tear you cry. He dances over you, brags on you, keeps you in the limelight, and says well done my good and faithful servant. Maybe you don't feel like you even have been a good and faithful servant, He's got a different measuring stick for that and if I had to pick between your reality and His truth, I'm sticking with His truth. Stop worrying about what feel like your giants. If the devil's reminding you of your past, remind him of his future. God's got you….He's never letting go, not now, not never.
