Everyone on my squad was reflecting on the significance of the halfway point- updating loved ones on their current emotional state of being, sharing pictures of all the marvelous ways God had blown our expectations thus far, and writing blogs on 6 months worth of lessons. Me? Well, I was scrolling through these updates in Doha, Qatar…in the middle of an extremely long (and extremely solo) travel day back to my home in Houston, Texas.
I am fully aware of how confused you must be, so to properly preface this story I’m going to have to rewind to a few points throughout my race.
Month 3 in Honduras, my squad got our usual email update from our squad mentor. She shared with us a story of how she was boldly stepping into some of her dreams, and defeating her fear of the unknown. During her race, she sat with God and asked Him to reveal her big dreams, and challenged us to sit with Him and make a dream list ourselves. So that month, I sat with Grace on a quiet pier in Roatan, and instead of asking God to show me what my dreams were, I asked Him to reveal to me what big dreams He had already planned for me. At first, my mind was buried under all the things I wanted Him to say- but then He slowly shoveled through all the pictures in my head and gave me one clear vision: it was very chilly, and in the midst of a huge mountain range, I was in a white coat practicing medicine.
At this point in the race, I had spent all my off days in Month 2 of Nicaragua applying to a few medical schools with no high expectations (because I mean let’s be real at that point I had already lived outside of the US for 2 months and following up with the process was proving to be a hassle). So of course, I was elated with this vision. And sure enough, He remained faithful when I least expected it. Month 5 I received an interview invitation from a school in Kentucky with the most uncoincidental mission statement, “medicine in the mountains.” All the pieces God gave me were finally adding up, so I decided to take a huge risk and I left the race in the middle of Cambodia to pursue this interview.
Now I’m going to transition to a more recent and raw part of this story- the piece that is sadly the most commonly omitted in most peoples’ story. The part where a week after my interview I received a rejection letter from the school of my dreams. After receiving a vision from God 3 months prior. After months of prayer and preparation. After enduring the limbo and disorientation of time travel, and leaving the race. After sharing excitement with my family at home. After visiting the school with my best friend and seeing all that could be. In the blink of an eye, I was empty. I was devastated. I was again the disappointment of my family, and most crippling of all, I believed that I had heard from God wrong.
Days later, He spoke again clearly through a teammate: “what if it’s not about you? What if God needs you to impact one life next year and you are choosing self-pitying-blindness? You are letting your flesh trump your Spirit.” And the truth of that wrecked me.
So, I’m 6 months into the world race, and if there is anything I’ve learned at the halfway point it’s that God often chooses the road for you that will bring the most kingdom impact. “Seek first His Kingdom” isn’t about convenience, it’s about urgency. He will allow for every opportunity presented to us to become ministry, and although this process in my mind has been often saturated with unwillingness, self-doubt and fear, I give praise that the Spirit inside us is resilient and presses onward to complete His work.
“If a dream comes from God, it will be so big in your life that you will not be able to do it on your own. He will use your dream to build faith”
Medical school has proven to be the most elusive dream in my life. If you would have asked me years before where I thought I’d be right now, I would have replied with “in school studying my life away”, not “probably in Cambodia playing duck-duck-goose with orphans.” But, yet here I am, back on the field in Cambodia with 5 months left of my year long hiatus with the Lord. And I am so incredibly grateful for His plans, global community, and the revival I get to be a part of everyday. I will finish this race, and I will also continue wherever He leads me from that point forward. So for the dreamers out there who have experienced failure multiple times, I wrote this for you. Validate your God-given dreams. Setbacks are detours, but they are not roadblocks. Don’t take your eyes off the road, and don’t lose sight of who is driving the car.
