I think that I have had it all wrong. In fact, I am fairly certain that I have had it all wrong.
This weekend I had the opportunity to spend time in an old barn converted to a cabin. Tucked away in the Pisgah National Forest I found the respite I was so desperately longing for.
The weekend was to be centered around the ideas of Frederick Buechner in his work: A Sacred Journey. Similar to his other works, Buechner focuses on faith in spite of the unknown. How does God speak to us? Is hearing Him simply ascribing meaning to what could otherwise be dubbed a coincidence?
I have always struggled with that. How does God speak to me? For obviously he speaks to people in the ways that they might hear or see, but how does He speak to me? I have come to believe that I have been so desperate to hear or see something, anything, that I simply stopped paying attention and expected some big intrusive sign to completely alter the trajectory of my life.
And just as I was hardening my own heart, of course God speaks in the most absurd ways possible.
Saturday morning we set out to go on a hike but naturally there was not a trail to be found. We quickly decided to blaze our own trail. We slowly made our way up the side of the mountain getting lost in a sea of rhododendron but alas, we found a trail! Having thought Eric and I had exhausted the Appalachian Trail in this area, we were surprised when it turned out to be the AT indeed. So in howling winds and a few inches of snow, we started what we originally set out to do and our scrambling turned to hiking.
In my life full of school, work, and fundraising I had forgotten the freedom found on the Trail. Almost impulsively, I took off on a run, as if to flee the familiar sounds of voices and be alone with the Howling Winds and the white blazes. It was therapeutic, it was divine.
Soon, the winds picked up and we headed back to our temporal abode. Awaiting us was fresh coffee, hot chocolate, chili, and a crackling fire. We settled down around the fireplace and began to reflect on the wisdom of Frederick Buechner.
The group of us, all holding to some sort of theology, believe that in one way or another God created us. If we are to believe in this loving Creator, would it not be absurd to reject the notion of His intervening in our everyday lives?
And in a cabin of Christian cliché, which I absolutely hate, I believe I was spoken to. Just behind the massive couch hung décor that read, B E L I E V E. I had seen it all throughout the weekend and of course it meant nothing to me, why would it mean anything? It simply says believe. But then as the topic of faith and coincidence was on the table one of the girls points to this hanging cliché and says; “Look, today someone could have walked into this room struggling with doubt and see the word believe. That could be God speaking to that person.”
Well, I have been overcome with doubt in relation to this World Race and maintaining my sanity throughout this semester and the person that needed to believe was me. Believe. Believe, Jarred, believe.
Almost like a whisper, I was told to believe. And even in my writing this I feel insane but perhaps that is what faith is. Insanity. Despite my unbelief, I believe.
This morning we headed back across the state line and into Tennessee. That means more work, more school, more fundraising, and no free time. And with that I thought God retreated. I thought it meant that He would leave me to my own devices.
“It was nice spending time with you Jarred, now get back to work, I can only handle so much of you and your incessant questioning.”
But then we arrived at our home in Bristol and again, God spoke. This is twice in two days, and if you know me, that’s not how things go.
Over the past few years, people have been interested in me and my life. It is bizarre, people want to know me. I have expressed before, I don’t seek friends out. I keep to myself for the most part, preferring to be known by few and I disappear very well. Those that have spent an extended amount of time with me can attest to this.
I sort of saw myself as an annoyance to God. Why would He want to be near to someone who is persistently badgering Him with question after question?
Then one of my dearest friends came over after church and told me that she had something to tell me.
“Jarred, I know why God has been putting all of these people in your life!” She continued on, excitement behind every word. “You know how you have been confused recently with all of these people interested in your life? It’s God! It is God’s way of showing you that you are interesting and that He loves you and that He cares for you.”
Really, if you know me at all, you know I would normally hate those words. Every single one of those words. But not this time, this time they were dear to me and I will hold them near to my heart.
Something happened to me, and I do not know what, but I now believe in God being present in the mundane. God loves me, God created me, why would He choose to not operate in my day to day life?
So yes, I have had it all wrong and I do not know how I got it all wrong. The sad thing is, I will probably get it all wrong again. But He loves me, and He cares for me. And my word this is cheesy and I hate myself for writing it but I believe.
“I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.”
? Philip Yancey
