I am not ready for this.
This trip that I’m about to go on.
Nothing within me is at all ready for this
I thought I was.
seeing all these trials.
And I haven’t even left yet.
Nothing in this world wants me to go
everything around me wants to destroy me
the thoughts of my brain
the criticisms I take too seriously
the imperfection of myself
and the people around me.
Everything on this earth wants me to crash and burn.
The doubts come full force
they engulf my brain with inadequacies
they say “you cant do this”
“Your not spiritual enough”
“Your too prideful”
“You think you can handle it”
“Your not good enough”
the list goes on
“your not qualified for this”
“Are you really leaving school for this”
“You need a diploma for something like this”
“You need this Porn in your life”
“You cant do this without masturbation”
“Screw Prayer, you only need yourself”
these things they tell me.
I start to believe
I start to wonder what its all for
They break me from the inside out
Slowly eating away at my soul until there’s nothing left.
Its like the abyss that never ends
the hole in my heart that I cant fill
I listen to the voices
I give into the lustful nature of my body
I lie about it and act all good,
beginning to believe that
there’s nothing that can give me truth.
I believe them when they tell me
that I have no place in this world
no thoughts, no purpose
just living life from birth to death.
It haunts me as I sleep at night
listening to those voices as they call
too ashamed to turn to the Bible
too wrapped up in the lie of the devil.
Then
one day it all changes
songs come on that actually have meaning
the wonderful nature of worship
leaving me with a way to fill that hole.
Working hard to read the Lord’s word
one page at a time.
As I read from Psalm 139,
I am reminded of your greatness and
comforted by your love.
“You have searched me, LORD,
And you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
You, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in
your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
They would outnumber the grains of sand –
when I awake, I am still with you.
If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
I wrote this mainly because, I have had things that have been ripping at me that I have no idea what to say about them. All these lies the devil has told me have began to work in my brain, and then in my heart. I have not treated people right. My thoughts have not been at all aligned with scripture, I have done things that have absolutely had no value to the Kingdom of God. I have known the truth of the Gospel for my whole life. I have not always lived it how I should.
That’s the incredible thing about God though. Forgiveness. And mercy. Its for him to decide when he gives them, but he does give them. His grace is sufficient for me. The rest of my life, all I want to do is to serve him with literally every ounce of myself. I want nothing I do to reflect badly on him.
This trip has not been as real as it should be. I haven’t given the possibilities of saved lives the time of day I should.
Just think about it! Spreading the Gospel all over the world to many places that have not heard it. WHAT COULD BE MORE AWESOME!? How could I possibly live my life any differently? This is what I was made for. To bring glory to the one who is worthy. Nothing else in this life is worth it. Nothing else in this life have I had more passion for.
There are countless people throughout the world that need to hear the saving grace of the Lord.
Will you help me make this happen? Will you support me in this in prayer, and possibly a donation?
Both are heavily needed.
Thank you for your continued prayers and financial support! God Bless.
