So this week I had a minor break down thinking about all the world race is going to entail for preparation.. the finances, shots, leaving my family, quitting my job, not being able to live in a house with my amazing sister and friends. I broke down in tears, and decided I just needed to go for a jog and sort things out with God.. either pray or be silent, but just BE with him. I went jogging along my favorite trail where you can catch a breathtaking view Portland, the river and the Best thing: Mt. Hood. I stood gazing at Mt. Hood and the thought came to me:
” AM I to be a spectator of everyone’s life or an actor in my own?” I’m sure someone has quoted that somewhere, but I’m stealing it now. I realized that most of the fears I have about leaving on the World race have to do with missing out on other peoples lives, not fears of what God has for me. I’m anxious to not be here and meet my little brother’s girlfriends and know their friends, and get to hang out on a friday night, I’m anxious to leave my parents when they seem well and come back to disaster, I’m anxious to leave my sister in the beginning of her first year of med school and not be here for her if she need a impromptu dance party to cheer her up or some yummy snacks. I’m anxious that the little bit of relationship and progress I feel like I’ve made with mom’s side of the family will be lost. I’m afraid my family will feel abandoned. I’m afraid nancy, my boss, will be stressed out without another employee. I’m nervous my great aunt and great grandma’s health will start to fail. I worry about missing out on the memories that living in a house with close friends will provide. I wil miss Helen and Joe’s wedding. I know all of these things are valid fears, but I realized that beyond all them I’m afraid if I don’t listen to where I feel God is calling me to be, then I will miss out on the best he has for my life.
I know that God will take care of my family and friends while I’m gone. i don’t keep the world going in rotation. I know he’ll protect the relationships I have new and old, and that he will give me friends and family in the world race like I have never experienced. I know he’ll be there for my sister when she is going through a rough time and provide amazing friends that will encourage and make her laugh. I know that everything I listed above is important, and relationships are important, but the most important one is with Christ. I realized after MOnday that when I sit and dwell on my fears, all i’m doing is blocking my ears from hearing what God is trying to tell me.I am so thankful for the abundant life he’s given me that I’m sad for leaving so many blessings, yet excited for the new blessings the WR will be. Psalms 103 1:2 is ringing oh so loudly ” Let all that I am praise the Lord. With my whole heart I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord. may I never forget ALL the good things he does for me.”
Pray for me please. pray when I am panicking about details that the Lord will surely take care of, that I will remember how blessed I am. That I will remember what an incredible opportunity this is that I get to be a part of, and that my purpose is to with my whole heart praise his holy name. I want it to be his will not my own. Things that seem hard in the moment I know I will look back on and be amazed at what he brought me out of and into. Love you all. time for dreaming.. autumn is tired of me pounding the keyboard.
Rae
p.s please pray i get all my support letters together and ready this weekend! ahahh
ALso please pray for safe travel to Montana with my grandparents mOnday. i am looking forward to the whole week with them to just have peace and good meditation with the Lord. I know it will be a great time to focus and get a lot of things that I have been worrying about done.
Last but not least- pray for Nargiza, our roommate visiting from russia- that she finds a job. it is stressing her out and i know she is restless.we love her
