Confessions of a Leadaholic

OKAY, so for the real reason I’m here.  Let me just go ahead and say that this is about to get really uncomfortable for me.  I hate talking about myself, and I absolutely cant stand putting myself in the position of being vulnerable.  Unfortunately, I believe this is exactly what God wants me to do *sigh* Sooo here it goes.  Let me just start out by telling you a little about me– just the pertinent info so you can see where I’m coming from.

If someone were to ask me what my spiritual gifts are, I would say (pretty much without hesitation) leadership and discernment.  I’ve been a leader all my life.  Seriously… In kindergarden, I used to wake up from my nap time early just so I could be the one to “gently tap” all of the other kids on the shoulder with the magic wand to wake them up from nap time.  In the first and second grade, I would run as fast as I could to the door in order to secure my spot as line leader, and by third and fourth grade, it was absolutely necessary that I lead the nature walks, as I obviously knew more about pine cones and praying mantises than all of the other kids.  So, I guess its just always been in my nature and I usually ended up in leadership roles as a result.

Coming into this camp, I can honestly say that I didn’t necessarily WANT to be a leader of a team, but I can say I expected to be.  As much as I tried to convince myself and others that I didn’t, deep down, I was fooling myself.  So I began asking myself why?  Well, that is simple… because it is what I do.  I know no other way.  So on Thursday when we received our teams, I was both relieved and devastated all at the same time.  Deep down, I already knew that I wasn’t supposed to lead a team.  I knew it because I had been praying about it.  This trip is all about getting uncomfortable, and frankly, having no definite role makes me VERY uncomfortable.  Seriously… like… NO role.  I’m not even a treasurer — which REALLY shouldn’t bother me at all because that stuff stresses me out!  But, what I couldn’t handle even more was my lack of having a role at all.  I began to question my abilities in leadership.  The enemy creeped in and tried to convince me that I wasn’t a good enough leader and that people didn’t really like me at all.  And it began to consume me.  On the outside, I had it all together, but on the inside I was a mess.   This past summer I lead a trip to Scotland with AIM’s ambassadors program.  In that training camp, I dealt with most of my issues–forgiveness, past regrets, pain, etc… but one things I never had to deal with was this issue– for the obvious reason, I was already a leader.  So when God decided that this time around, I wasn’t supposed to be one, it devastated me, and frankly–it broke me.  But THANK GOD He knows best!  Because it was such a blessing.  I began to seek God with intensity and intentionality regarding this issue– I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  So I began to pray that God would expose me, to myself and others so I could change and do what was necessary to better resemble Christ.  He then reminded me of something I heard a long time ago:

I have never been a good follower.  I am a pretty good listener and I always take other people’s feelings and opinions into account, but when it comes down to someone “taking charge”, I just always step up.  And as you probably know, constantly filling up others and never being filled up (besides weekly church of course) leaves you exhausted with a tapped out well.

God revealed some truths to me once I returned home from training camp.  So I am going to just get them all out and confess them to my family

Since I already covered #1, I’ll move on to #2.  I have come to realize since being home that the person I was at training camp isn’t really me.  I mean, don’t get me wrong… it IS a part of me.  I AM the goofball who dances even when i know I can’t, and sings when its inappropriate and randomly speaks in different accents just to confuse people.  But what I failed to do was reveal the person I am underneath the jokes and disney songs.  A few times, I was open and honest.  I had a FEW deep conversations, but only with a couple people (I’m sure you know who you are).  So this is where I need to apologize to my team, because it was selfish of me to hold back my true feelings and emotions from you.  I’m sure I wasn’t the only one, but maybe the only one crazy enough to write a blog about it for 90 something of you to read.  eek.  I can see now that I was so focused on being liked, that I came across as superficial or unrealistic.  I was trying to control the uncontrollable.

#3 is a doosey for me.  Boy was I shocked when God revealed the prideful spirit in me!  I stated above that pride is the one character flaw that I VOWED to never possess. (there goes that vowing thing again!  I vow to never vow again!) 😉  See, pride has destroyed my family.  I believe pride is one of the most dangerous traits to possess, as it is blinding and has the ability to keep you from seeing the truth about yourself and the pain you inflict on others.  The only reason I discovered it in myself this week was a result of asking God to humble me and bring to light anything the devil was using against me.  The Lord spoke into my spirit and opened my eyes to see my heart for what it was.  And there it was… I was becoming the one person I never thought I would become-my father (another story, another time).  At that moment, I broke down and promised God i would do everything humanly possible to withstand a prideful spirit.  Another reason I am confessing this here is now I can be help accountable.  I have been humbled by the Lord and I am more free than I’ve ever been.  (Isaiah 2: 11)

Thanks for taking the time to read this.  I just know in my heart I needed to get these things out on the table now, because if I didn’t, I never would. The devil tried to make me push delete at least 3-4 times.  Thank God for save buttons. 🙂  Love you all! and can’t wait to grow with you in this upcoming year! God Bless.