It’s almost midnight. I have been trying to go to sleep for almost 2 hours now. I found myself aimlessly playing candy crush to try and fall alseep. With every failed attempt to complete the level another doubt would come into my mind but not about the game.
About my life.
Am I doing the right thing? Is the world race really for me? If it was, I would be fully funded already. Why am I not fully funded yet? I have been working towards this since February of this year. I’m 29 now, should I really walk away from a place to live, a car, a job? I am not in great shape. Does my squad really like me or are they just being nice to my face? My team…I bet they think I am crazy or worse I am sure they secretly loath the fact I am on their team.
I could go on and on…
I am tired. I am scared, I am nervous. I am anxious. I get these thoughts and feelings at least once a day. I know they are lies from the enemy. But the more I listen to them, the harder it is to know that they are lies and the easier it becomes to believe them.
I don’t know if I am making the right choice. Can I really do another year away. Can I really step away from a career and put all of that on hold. Is that wise. I am about to be 30 and I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. This scares me more than anything.
I rarely have trouble sleeping. I know I am awake tonight. I really don’t want to share these thoughts with the world. But, I know I can’t keep them secret anymore. It hurts to hide behind them.
“The Lord will FIGHT for you, you only need to be still.” Exodus 14:14
11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Phiippians 4:11-13
My word for the year is content. I want to be content with the fact that the Lord has called me to follow him to the nations. I am to be his hands and feet and step out into obidence in a way like never before. With that comes sacrifice. I am not giving up the american dream or the american way of life. I want something more of my life than that. To do that I have to take up my cross and follow him. I need to give God everything there is of me. Even the ugly parts and I need to be real and not put on a fake smile and tell everyone I am doing great and that I am completely excited. Don’t get me wrong, I am, but it’s more than that. I am extremely scared and terrified, but willing to take this next step.
The Lord tells us we can do all things through him, that is refering to all things needed for kingdom work. He will give us the strength to do it. I am praying that I can find my rest and strength in the Lord. That I can be still and let Him FIGHT for me.
Please join me in praying away the doubts, praying for the financial side of things to come in. (I need $2,709 by Dec 16. in order to board the plane to India with my squad. I need $9726 to be fully funded.)
