“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” James 1:2-3
Today I think back to a few years ago. 9 to be exact. I had finally told people about a very tough and toxic and dangerous situation I was in but had no way of knowing how to get out. This situation 9 years later still has an effect on me. I have not had an easy week. I have not slept well, I have tried not to be alone to much, being alone gives me too much time to think and sometimes I just don’t want to think. I don’t want to remember what my life was like then.
I had turned my back on God I did not think he cared about me. I had been in and out of numerous homes where abuse was coming at me in heaps and bounds. How can God love me of all this stuff is happening to me. Luckily 2 years later I went through therapy that was healing and showed me just where God was in those tough times.
I think about what life would be like for me of o had not experienced all that sorrow and pain. I wonder if I would be the happy go lucky version of myself that I am now. There is so much joy in my life now that sometimes people are shocked to hear my story. I often times get how can you be so happy and have so much joy when you went through all of that?
Well I get my joy from the Lord. He has restored me. I am free and I am new again. That doesn’t mean that all my struggles and pain are never going to pop up not are they going to in my past. I have some scars that are extremely deep that sometimes no matter what I do they still hurt. Here I am a decade basically out of the worst situation of my life and it still affects my life. I am not proud of it, but I feel like God has been telling me this week to tell about the pain and cry out to Him. To give it to him. I want to but sometimes I don’t know how. I don’t know what that looks like, I often times am blown away by what triggers the memories. You see I know what most of my triggers are, but I’m still finding out things that set of my triggers. It’s something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Is it something that I think about often, no, most days I don’t even think about it. But subconsciously it’s there.
I know that over the next 19 months I am going to be finding out more and more about myself as I grow and watch the lord move in my life and the lives of my team as we grow closer to one another and serve not just each other but those that the Lord has called us to. It’s going to be times where I need to be open and honest and talk about what is going on.
I love talking about surface level and I seem to clam up and not want to go to the deeper things in my life but I want to there to go ther with me. That’s something I have definitely learned here in Korea. But I also know that so much can come from sharing your joys and your struggles with others of nothing else you can people praying for you and praying for healing. Sometimes that’s all one can do, and you can never have to many people praying for you.
As I embark on this journey I ask that you be in prayer for me. Pray that I can learn to go deep with people and share my life with them. Pray that I can see and love others the way that God does. Pray that we can grow close as a team and a family!
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“You show that you are a letter from Christ delivered by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” 2 Corinthians 3:3
