Four years ago,if you would’ve asked me what I wanted to do after high school,I would’ve started off by describing how I planned on living with my then girlfriend. I would’ve finished off with my excitement about joining the army. Ask me the same question now and I would tell you that I have plans to pursue the Lord and make his name known. Why did my plans change? because now they aren’t mine.
Throughout my life I struggled with a lot of sin. Today I want to speak specifically about my past pursuit of lesbianism. I remember having these undue affections towards girls in my class, as early as kindergarten. During middle school is when I engaged in my first relationship with another girl. As I continued to actively pursue this lifestyle I started to take on more of a masculine role. This mainly came from the perspective I had of the men in my life and the way I was treated by a girl I dated for two years.They both lead me to think that my meekness was weakness. My desire to be with as many women as I can, sprouted during this time.I felt that the more women I was with, the more I was able to live out being the aggressor and having someone submit to me. Which gave me less chance of being hurt.
I remember going to church one Sunday with my pants sagging. I swore it would be the last time I would ever go to a church because I felt like I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there. I knew the truth about the Lord and that homosexuality was wrong and this convicted me. On the other hand, I still wondered if homosexuality was part of human nature (and it was the way the Lord made me) because people around me told me that I was born that way. Since I felt uncomfortable going to church I joined Gay Straight Alliance clubs at my school and made a lot of homosexual friends. Then, I would find myself telling my girlfriends that I hoped that they knew that what we were doing was wrong but I kept pursuing that life anyway. It was like I knew that the fire was dangerous but I insisted on burning myself.
I think a lot of my going back and forth is because I had this thought in my head that people who followed Christ were all about rules and self-control. I didn’t want or have any of that. The desires of my flesh were more desirable. I was soon smacked in face with the realization that my eternity depended on if I was going to believe the truth about God or not.
I went to a missions camp my church holds every year and there is when God met me in my sin. Jesus has a way of getting down on our level, in the midst of our struggles to remind us how much he loves us. During that week, I gave my life over to Him.I remember thinking that this now meant that I had to try to be heterosexual and change by myself. I started to try to date boys and wear dresses and do girly things but after around a year, I found myself back where I started. I remember feeling hopeless and I prayed to my Father and I told him that this wasn’t for me but he simply showed me that I needed to submit to Him. I knew that with the Lord I could embrace my meekness because He sees that as beauty and strength. In submitting all of myself, he changed me. I realized that it wasn’t the fact that I was a homosexual that was the problem, it was that I was holistically sinful. If the Lord were to take away my sexuality I would have still been a liar, a porn addict, a drug addict and so on.When the Holy Spirit entered me, I was stripped of the dirty ropes that I wore and I was given new ones.
Today I no longer struggle with homosexually but I am tempted, I no longer watch porn or do drugs but I am tempted. The only difference is now I am in union with the Lord so I have the power to flee these temptations.
“ I know that some might say that you were born that way but no my friend you were not born gay. You were born in sin and shaped in iniquity. When Eve ate that fruit you were cursed to do anything. We were open for murder we were destined to lose, you were given free will you chose to choose, you chose to choose to defy gods rules because in side of you, you wanted to be like him and make them.”-J.H.P.
Without the Lord we are “destined to lose”. Instead of worshipping God, we become God over our own lives and worship ourselves. Who are you worshipping?
Thank you for reading this blog post.
The point of the post was to bring to light one of the many things that the Lord has shown me and has been walking through with me since the day I got saved. I plan on being honest and authentic with the people who read my blogs because I know that this life challenges us with things that are real and can be hard. You can expect that I will get into details about things that have happened in my life and things that make us uncomfortable because at the end of the day,the Lord blessed us to be in community with each other and he will receive all of the Glory. So,feel free to subscribe to my blog and email me if you ever want to chat.
P.s.The blogs that I feel are on more touchy subjects will be titled starting with “Let’s be real”
Lastly,
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
To everyone who has been supporting me financially,through prayer or calling me to encourage me with this crazy nine month trip that the Lord has called me on…
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
I am now about 60% fundraised! and I couldn’t have done it with out you all!
God bless,
Janelle
