An excerpt from my journal:
“Its time to rewind.
To see where this all began. Its
been a roadtrip with you Lord. Pit stops
that turned into longer pit stops than planned.
It all started in the DR. Sharing
what you did while I was on the race.
Pedro told me he knew I was supposed to go to seminary, that you had
something very special for me. I told
him he was crazy. He told me to seek you
on this. So I did. I actually remember
being really upset when he was telling me that you were telling him I was going
to seminary. I was mad with tears in my
eyes. I knew that it was going to
radically change my life. I knew it
wasn’t from me, but I didn’t yet know if it was from you. So, the next morning, I got up. Morning prayer. The usual.
Whoa, you blew me away. The
Pastor that was sharing that morning…Liz’s dad was talking about turning points
in our lives. How God asks us questions
in our life, in every single one of our lives that is going to radically change
the destiny of our lives. That we need
to know the answer. Yes or No. My mind was abuzz, my spirit was abuzz. I had to get away to be alone with you. Alone.
On the rooftop of the classrooms.
I stood and sat and worshipped and prayed. I asked you if this was it. If you were calling me to go to seminary. I asked you to confirm it if so by anointing
me with oil. You told me Psalm 45. It said, “You love justice and you hate
evil. Therefore God your God has
anointed you with the oil of joy more than anyone else.” WHOA.
So there I had it. I got back
stateside. You knew I wanted to go to India, I asked
you if you gave me the opportunity that I would go. You opened that door, and I went. But before I left I knew I had to be obedient
so I applied to seminaries and the first one I got in was Fuller. Then Nyack.
I got back from India
and that maybe You didn’t REALLY mean that you wanted me to go. But, I couldn’t get it off my mind. I went to visit Western, and it was an
immediate no for me. I am in San Fran,
and wake up one morning stressed, anxious.
Crying out in my spirit that you tell me where to. I go to sit outside with you…I have a
hankering to read Hebrews. And there it
is again, that very same verse. The same
exact one, different part of the bible.
I go to visit Fuller, and everything I asked you for, was there. But still, I didn’t know for sure. Me, being my non-committal self. I planned a visit out to Nyack, all the while
praying for you to make it so obvious and so clear where you want me to go, to
confirm it however you wanted. Grace’s
cousins come to visit this past weekend.
What do you know, as we are driving around Boulder, there are signs for Fuller
Sotheby’s. Another business named
Fuller. Several more signs for
Fuller. 4 in Boulder.
One after another. I ask you ok
Lord if this is You, show me one more.
You did. I slept on it, marveling
at the coincidence as I got up the next morning. I said, ok God just one more. You did.
You showed me one more sign.”
I am not a book-learner.
I learn through experience, its how He made me. There was such a war in me that came up as I
wrestled through this seminary thing. On
the race, you learn how God gives you what you need at the time that you
need. You learn that you don’t need an
MDIV, you don’t need to be some kind of spiritual super star, you just need to
be YOU, fully YOU, the YOU that God intended that God breathed into existence,
the YOU that God masterminded, the YOU that He calls BELOVED, the YOU that He
chose and called by name.
It was such a confusing thing for me because I was like how
can I go from seeing God beyond the walls of the church, beyond the walls of
America and see Him in His nations and go back to school?! I’m debt free, why put myself in debt?! Its been a thing of surrender for me but as
someone wisely said, its surrendering to LOVE that we are doing when we
surrender to God. It seemed so
anti-WR. Anti everything I learned on
the race, everything the Lord showed me on the race to go to seminary, to
institutionalize myself…HAHA. I guess that’s
how I felt about it. But the Lord has
led me to go to Fuller. Its not about institutionalizing…its
about saying Yes to God, whatever, however illogical things seem. I’ve had support from people, I’ve had
opposition from people, which is why I needed to know so clearly that it was
the Lord. He’s made it clear in so many
more ways, so I feel peace, I TRUST. So
let’s go Lord.
