Yesterday I saw what's really inside of me. And let me tell you, it's not good.
Josh, Kyle, and I were having a coffee a the bus station. We had just flown into Johannesburg, South Africa, and were waiting for our bus to Cape Town. We were hanging out, just talking. And then a man came up to us and asked for food.
Now here's the deal. In Romania God had told me to always give if somebody asks for food or money. All the food or money that I have comes from God. And if he wants me to give it, ok. He can give me more. Also I don't want to harden my heart against a person who is asking for help.
So that guy comes up to us. I remember what God had told me and give him my orange. He goes: "But, what about bread and some coffee? You know that we humans must eat a lot." I am hesitant. He hadn't even thanked me for the orange, "If you all give me two Rand then I can get some bread." Silence. "You can also come to the store with me so that you know I am not buying anything else." He had read my mind, I thought he was going to get alcohol. So I remember what God had told me, go to the store with him and buy him bread. The smallest loaf I can find.
"But what about some ham to put on the bread?" Ok, that's enough for me. "Sorry, I can't get you anything else. God bless you, have a nice day." I don't think about what God had told me anymore and walk back to our table. I just needed to get this guy out of my life as fast as possible. How annoying, right?
A verse comes to my mind: "Whatever you did for one of the least of these, you also did for me." Jesus asks me: "Is this how you would have treated me?" I push the thought aside.
Meanwhile, the rest of our Squad is singing worship songs. Some people stop by and listen. My squad mates talk to them and pray for them. There are about 15 spectators. We walk over. I just hope that they will leave me alone.
Kyle comes up to me and says: "I don't know if this is what you want to hear. But a couple of years ago when I was struggling with this God showed me that this is how we treat Him. We always ask Him for more and aren't really thankful." Yep, I definetely did not want to hear that. Because it's true. I push it aside.
I just want to be justified in being annoyed. I just want these poor beggars to get out of my life. Because I am so afraid of what would happen if I let them in. I am afraid it would crush my nice and comfortable life. I am afraid it would demand me to care for others but me. I want to plan my day and my budget and keep anything that could potentially cause problems out of my life. I want to keep the world out of my life.
So here is what's inside of me, who I am. I don't really care that much about others, what they eat and where they sleep. I don't have much compassion. The only thing I really care about is myself and how I can preserve my nice life.
Reality is hard. As I am typing, 20 hours have passed since the man came up to us and asked for food. And I haven't been able to think about anything else. I am so proud of my squad mates who did all the stuff that I couldn't do.
Two things remain in my head:
I want to love genuinely and to care deeply for others.
I want to surrender my live to God. Opening up myself for whatever and whoever, trusting that God protects me and provides for me.