I was about to go to bed. But I couldn’t, not without documenting the thoughts, the feelings of this last night with the children in the Philippines. Yes, it turned out they would be much more a ministry to me than I to them. But I don’t care.
I sat on the bed with Chris John in the dark, soothing Kenth’s crying, wishing I could be their mother. I sang softly into the room, “I’ve got Chris John, Kenth, and Ralph down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. I’ve got Chris John, Kenth, and Ralph down in my heart, down in my heart to staaaaaaaay!” Then, I would hear Ralph’s small voice say, “Again Tita,” from across the room and wished I could love them forever.
It’s downright cruel to have such amazing creatures enter your heart and have to leave them after only a month. It’s those short-lived loves that really leave you wrecked.
I’ll never forget Kenth’s tiny hand, stretched out at the edge of the bed, gently absorbing my love as I ran my fingers over his palm. My heart was breaking that he doesn’t have a mother to sit by his bed every night and make sure that he falls asleep feeling dearly loved.
What does God mean sending them all straight to my heart during a time when I can’t keep them? I’m going to fall into sleep tonight in tears. I’m truly broken. Not by their disparity as orphans, but by the fact that I can’t keep them.
They all have a great life at the children’s home. They will be looked after, fed, bathed twice a day. Someone will make sure they get an education, and they’ll be raised in the Lord. But I won’t get to be a part of it.
Talk about selfish, right? I told you this ministry had become about me. It’s amazing the way a child can make you love him/her. I’ll be leaving the Philippines in the next few days, and I’ll take with me whatever pieces of my heart I can manage to break away. The truth is, like I said, if it’s selfish, I don’t care. Those little ones changed my life this month, but not in the way you might expect. They opened a door into my heart and tapped a depth I didn’t even know I contained. A depth that I thought could only exist once you actually became a parent.
PS. I have loved all your comments! They are a HUGE encouragement to me!! But on that note, when you leave a comment, I would really appreciate it if you filled in the EMAIL section. Your email will not be displayed to anyone but me, and it makes it a lot easier for me to respond. I like being able to communicate my appreciation directly to you!
Current financial status: $7,035.26
Upcoming Deadline: $10,500.00 by December 1st
Thanks go out to Jake and Erin, Blake and Shara, Danny and Colleen, The Dutsons, and Rachie!! You guys are incredible!!!!!
