After month 4 on the World Race, you have something called “Month 4 Debrief”. This is where the whole squad comes together for a few days. We have worship, lessons and most important: words spoken and time to process. Coming into this time, I was a little worried as to how it was going to turn out. Big group settings (as in 50+ people) are not really my style, but here I would be spending significant time with the squad as a whole.
My favorite part of this time was that Family Force 6 was able to spend quality time together. We are a pretty chill team and while other teams explored the city and ventured into the cold, we pretty much stayed in our hostel room for extended periods of time. And even if we were all doing something separate, we enjoyed just being in each other’s presence which I thought was amazing. It was true bonding for us (especially since we spent the month in Albania separated).
(An awkward Family Force 6 picture which we all love)
Something the Lord has been teaching me, since about halfway through Albania is “Who is Jamie?”
This is something I had been pondering for awhile now and during debrief, these thoughts only increased. I began to think about what was holding me back from being the young woman God has intended for me. What has happened in my life in order for me to hold back who I truly am? Do I really know who I am in the first place?
One of the sessions that really impacted me was a talk on the 5 Prisons. These are 5 prisons I put myself in without even realizing it.
- The first is Comparison. The feelings of that I will never measure up, that there will always be someone better than me. Which ultimately puts me down and then I view myself in a negative light and feel unworthy.
- The second is Regret. This is the fear of failure and what I fear most tends to take a root in my life.
- The third is Bitterness. Hurts lead to anger which lead to unforgiveness and then to bitterness.
- The fourth is Excuses. These seem to be the easiest, because we can make up excuses for everything as justification for what we do or don’t do.
- The fifth is Withdrawl. It is easy for me to shut up, pull back and close down. This is easiest to identify in community; especially for me since I am and extreme introvert.
I won’t go into detail, but after processing some, it became clear that I have put myself in all 5 of these prisons more or less and now it is time to BREAK OUT!
It was evident I needed to declare myself free of these cages and that I would not step back into the trap. I learned something about myself: I have lived my life in order to please people. I would act and talk in such as a way I thought others wanted/needed me to be. Then questions raised:
- “When have I truly been myself?”
- “When have I been the woman God wants me to be?”
- “How do I now figure out who the ‘real’ Jamie is?”
And honestly, this is still something I am constantly processing and praying about. Now that I am aware of the prisons and have declared myself free of them it is time to move forward from that into God forming the true Jamie.
The “tough stuff” this month is allowing God to uproot these things in my life:
- Lies I have been living with.
- Cages I have put myself in.
- Fears I have been held back by
But not anymore! I have predicted this is going to be a tough month for me. But I am so ready for it. For God to uproot and show me His glory and love like never before. I’ve already had emotional days and I’m sure there will be more, but when in it is all over, it will be all worth it!
(Taking a break from working in order to think about my life)
