This is the reality of my life:
I was five years old when my mother died of cancer. I was five years old when my world was rocked and my innocence was ripped from me. The fear of death began haunting me at an age when most kids’ thoughts are consumed with toys and playthings.
I have been afraid of losing my dad or one of my brothers or sisters since I was five years old…
In junior high, this fear began plaguing me; it became crippling. My mother had died in the middle of the night and the memory of my dad waking me to tell me she had died was clear in my mind even though I had been so young. I began to have irrational fears that something would happen to my dad or my brothers and sisters in the middle of the night as well and this terrified me. So I stopped sleeping. I would stay awake after my family had gone to bed and I would think that maybe I could keep them safe if harm were to come their way in the night. For over a year I was an insomniac and was consumed by fear.
As I have gotten older, the fear of losing my family has continued to be ever-present in my mind. It increased when I went away to college and would come home on weekends to visit with my family. One weekend I came home to Dad as I always knew him. Two weeks later I came home to a man that looked as if he had aged twenty years in two weeks. We found out that he had very severe diabetes and very serious blockages in his arteries that would require a triple bypass. Since that time, my dad has battled to stay healthy. He has been in and out of the hospital several times, he has had both big toes amputated, and has been generally weak and constantly in pain. This August when he was brought into the hospital, he was within 24 hours of dying. Thankfully, the infection was caught just in time to save his life; it was not caught in time to save his leg. His left leg has been amputated just below the knee and he is currently trying to heal and will have to learn to walk with a prosthetic. It is for these reasons that I doubted my decision to go on the World Race.
However, I cannot-at this time-abandon my plans for the World Race. I felt that God was leading me to this so I must TRUST him. He is in control of all things. He KNOWS all things.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”
The reality of my life is that I am 26 years old and I have memories of both my parents being sick. I have seen both of my parents fighting to stay alive. I have seen my dad lose his soul mate and raise six kids on his own. My dad is my hero. He always has been and always will be. I am terrified of losing him.
I have spent many tears imagining the day that I will lose him. I have cried more tears at the THOUGHT of his death than many people have cried at the REALITY of the death of a loved one. So I do not make this decision lightly…
It did not take my Dad being brought into the hospital a few weeks ago for me to realize how close we came to losing him. In my mind, I have ALWAYS been at risk of losing him. It has been a constant, everyday worry for 21 years and counting. So for those that do not understand my timing in the World Race, I will tell you that for me, it doesn’t take the events of the last few weeks for me to realize how likely it is that I could lose my Father.
But I will continue to plan on going on the World Race at this time. At the risk of sounding rude, I am telling you that you do not have to understand. At the risk of sounding heartless, I am not looking for your approval. If circumstances change and I were to decide to not go on this journey, it would be a decision that would made as a result of prayer and leading from the LORD. It will not be a decision made as a result of FEAR. This is my reality. You don’t have to understand….
