So it’s about the half way mark for the race. I can hardly believe I’ve been gone for six months, or that I only have 5 months left. Naturally when I think about it, my mind wanders to all of the what if’s, what I’m going to do and all that.
“What am I going to do when I get home?”
“What if I don’t figure out what I want to do?”
“How can I possibly describe to people what I went through?”
“What if they don’t like the Me I’ve grown in to be?”
“What do I say?”
This month my team is working at a international school. One of our projects is to put on a camp for the children of the school. This camp, that lasts three days, is themed: I am more than a Conqueror and is all about conquering fears. Going back to what I explained in the beginning, putting it simply:
I fear going home.
That in itself is a scary fear. How can I fear going home to the family, friends and places I love and call home? Why do I fear that?
Digging deeper it becomes clear: a few of my biggest fears in life are being rejected or judged by people, especially the ones I love.
Since I will be helping run a camp about overcoming fears, I need to face mine.
The opposite of fear and shame is vulnerability. So naturally I have to do what I don’t want to do.
The fear of coming home is linked to the person I was when I left for the race. My face and name are the same, but my spirit, personality and heart have grown.
First I should explain the person I left for the race as:
I was a person who had never prayed over anyone, and never prayed out loud
I was a people pleaser, in that I would do, say, and act whatever way I thought was acceptable in a situation
I rarely, if ever, talked about my faith or about God
I was constantly worried about how I look, and how others see me
I knew about God, but I didn’t know Him
I wouldn’t say the things I saw or felt for fear of rejection
I was haunted by my past, I was stuck in a place of shame for my thoughts and feared peoples reactions if I ever told them
Even if these fears are still with me, I’m learning the power and freedom of speaking them out. I’m learning to not care about what others think, and to be me.
Who I have grown to be:
I now can and do pray over people out loud, it’s still hard for me because I feel like prayers are between You and God. Nobody needs to hear my prayers to make them important or real, but there is power in prayer. It can be healing for you to hear the prayers that are prayed over you and you can also help in the healing of others.
I am learning to be me in all situations. I won’t be rejected for the person I am. I was made to be different from everyone else, and if I try to conform I am hiding Gods beauty that He created especially for me.
I now see myself enjoying conversation that surrouns Him. I still strongly value the idea that everyone is allowed their own opinion. Different opinions challenge the way you think and can help you grow into deeper understanding. With that though, I never want people to feel attacked or forced into an opinion that isn’t theirs.
I am learning that if I try to conform to the looks of this world I will always fail. Looks are always changing and I was made the way I was for a reason. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder has never been so clear to me. The standard of beauty is different for every location and person. I am beautiful the way I am and so are you!
I have been growing in my relationship with God each and every day. I have learned the love He has for me and the things He want’s for me. I am still learning that He is the only approval I ever need. And the coolest thing is that He already approves of me. There is nothing I can do to earn His love, and there is nothing I can do that will remove me from the love He has for me.
I am learning how to say the thing. The hard things, speaking out the lies, the uncomfortable thing, and speaking truth. It’s not always easy and at times I may fight it, but one of our leaders spoke this to us and it changed the way I view life:
“Other peoples growth is more important than our comfort”
I am not here to be comfortable, for there is growth in the uncomfortable for both them and me.
My past does not define me. I struggled with depression for a lot of my past. I tried my best to hide it, whether I succeed in that or not, I’m not really sure. There were thoughts that started off questioning if it was even worth it, was I worth it, what would happen if I was just gone… These thoughts came and went with the years but I always told myself it was ok. I could never act on them because of my family. I could never put my family through something like that.. Then one night things changed, I found myself sitting somewhere I shouldn’t, in a state I shouldn’t have been in, the thoughts were stronger the way out was clear. If I just walked forward it would all be over. The weirdest thing to me about it all, was it felt like it came out of nowhere. I wasn’t having a bad day, it just happened. But then the most incredible thing happened, I got up and walked inside. Someone who could barely walk home, made it in a locked door. I know I did not do it by myself, He was with me and led me inside. The next day I knew I needed help and sought a counselor. It scared me that I allowed myself to get to that place, but I got help. I don’t tell you this because I put blame on anyone but this is the reality of my past. I never want people to think that things they did put me in that place. I never told people because I didn’t want people constantly worrying about me, and I still don’t. Being depressed or suicidal is not who I am. It’s apart of my story, but it has made me stronger. He has made me stronger.
Learning that He loves me as me, in any size, shape, any state-broken or not has changed my life. I have always “known” it in my head, but now I know it in my heart.
My race is half over but I have grown in more ways than I could have ever imagined. My faith is growing stronger, my identity is straying from others acceptance, I am growing in boldness and overcoming the fears that have held me for years. The race isn’t always easy and honestly it’s not always fun, but I wouldn’t trade the experiences, the people or the lessons for anything. When I come home I want to use what I have learned in the relationships I’ve had and those that I form. To do that I have to be honest with who I am and who I have been and things that I have done. I am excited to continue growing and to seeing you all in a short 5 months!
Here is is also a video I made for the camp we had this last week called More Than Conquerors. We challenged the kids to face their fears with different activities. I will post a blog soon about camp, but check out the video!
