Brokenness. Discomfort. Abandonment. These are words frequently spoken while preparing to go on the Race. From the time you are accepted, AIM begins to make you aware of the difficulties that you will likely face as you embark on this 11-month journey, so that you can move forward in it with open eyes and realistic expectations.
You yourself become painfully aware of these realities as your launch date approaches. Your mind shifts from the amazing opportunity and calling surrounding it all to the people and things you will leave behind and the uncertainty of what you are walking toward. You begin a process of mourning, so to speak, and try your best to prepare yourself, emotionally and mentally, for the huge transition that is about to occur…which is impossible.
My first team, Sculptor’s Seven, and some of our parents at Launch in September
Our very first travel day, leaving Atlanta to head to Costa Rica for month 1!
Tears are shed, fears are realized and courage is bolstered as the goodbyes are said and the first plane takes off. Before you know it, the Race is underway and the once elusive talk regarding brokenness and pain becomes a tangible reality. One of the definitions for the word broken is disrupted by change. This so accurately defines what brokenness on the Race looks like.
The World Race provides a unique opportunity for substantial growth as you can no longer avoid, or simply mask, discomfort and pain. Technically, there are still ways to do so, but it often requires greater effort to avoid these than not, under these circumstances. Think about it….you take complete strangers from different backgrounds and plunge them into full-blown, 24/7 community living, all within completely new environments and cultures. Then, add in full time ministry work which often changes monthly or even daily, and ranges from manual labor outdoors to teaching English. After that, consider the daily team times (which range from lighthearted activities together to deeper, challenging discussions), long travel days, limited and/or spotty wifi (depending on location), plumbing issues, cold showers, hot temps and shared…well, everything. Personal space becomes almost nonexistent, as do the large majority of hobbies and outlets you once used to decompress.
Add this all together and what you have is an amazingly unique year full of adventure, new experiences, growth… and lots of discomfort. There have been so many times on the Race where I have been “over it.” I came, I saw, I experienced and then I was ready to go home. If I’m being completely honest, I continue to have those moments and want to be real about them. I get tired of having to always press in and pour in to others while also working out my own convictions and struggles. I grow weary of trying to balance out my life back home with my life on the Race, especially when wifi is often spotty and as such, Skype constantly freezes up or drops calls during a much anticipated chat with loved ones. I often do feel the differences in age and resulting life experiences/perspectives among my team and squad more strongly than I’d like to admit. I long for the days where I have the freedom to make my own decisions again, without always having to run it by several other people and conflicting schedules. Most of all, I just crave personal space, a tiny corner of the world where I can curl up and be all alone when I need/want to. I know some of these things may seem trivial, but when you don’t have them, it’s amazing how much you realize their value. Most of the things I most look forward to once I return home are so simple: driving around in my car listening to music, enjoying nachos and a cold beer with Keith, getting all dressed up for a fun evening out, cooking a full meal (of my own choosing) in my kitchen, as well as choosing when I want to eat, etc.
I say all of this to share some of the real struggles that occur while on the Race. It’s a HUGE blessing that I even get to be on this Race and I’ll never forget that! However, I don’t want to show you all a lopsided view by only sharing the cool and fun stuff. Community living, discipleship and truly following after Christ is hard! Like I said before, it is a year of discomfort, but I know now that this is the beauty of the Race. Discomfort, when truly faced head on, often leads to some form of brokenness. This brokenness holds the potential for some amazing revelations and growth. As Seth Barnes (founder of AIM) so accurately points out in one of his books, brokenness forces “us back to a posture of dependence” on God.
I remember what it was like when I was back home, living the “American dream”, and not really needing anyone or anything. I worked for what I had and could buy whatever I really wanted or needed. My free time was spent doing exactly what I wanted to do and with those I chose to. Notice all the I’s!
It’s no surprise that God would often just be a fleeting thought for me throughout my weeks, until it was time for church or I was going through a very difficult time. Though I always spoke out against such, God did become my genie in a bottle. The way I saw it, I was in control of what happened in my life. So, true dependence on God was only something I read about in the Bible. I could say that I depended on God, but in reality, those words never fully connected with my heart and soul as they just were not true. I depended on myself first, and knew God was there in the background to help me out if/when I faltered. It’s hard to admit this, especially since this was only a few short months ago.
On the Race, I’ve been faced with difficult situations on a regular basis. I have been thrown into many areas in which I don’t have expertise and/or confidence, and sometimes lack even desire. As such, I have naturally found myself turning to God more, for wisdom, guidance and strength. Though I am surrounded by people all the time, I don’t have my closest friends and family to turn to for comfort and advice, and can sometimes feel very alone. So, I have learned to take it all to God, which I should have always done. When I’m sad or frustrated, I can’t go sweat it out at 9 Round, meet my bestie at a cafe or watch a movie on the couch with Keith and Kai. When all of your “idols” are suddenly taken away, you begin to see just how small and insignificant you made Christ in their presence.
Man, I miss these two goons (Kai and Keith)
I won’t act like I have got it all figured out now just because I’m on a mission trip. This time overseas has shown and taught me a lot, and I hope to filter my goals and life through these new lenses once I return. However, complete dependence and reliance on God is something I am still learning. The times of discomfort these past several months, and not having the option to escape them, have been the most needed and significant of my Race. I can’t say I’ve loved, or even embraced, them all, but I can say that I’m glad they have been there. These times have led me to brokenness. Brokenness has led me to more reliance on God, and the revelation of just how deep my need for Him is. God is most glorified in my weaknesses, not my skewed declaration of my strengths. None of this understanding makes any of the challenges easier, but it does give them a purpose and a Master. I refuse to return home unchanged from this experience, and God has made it clear that He feels the same way.
