I experienced my first round of tearful goodbyes, a new pain that I will begin to endure at the end of each month for the next eleven months to come. Month one of this new chapter in my life is behind me, now a memory I will hold in my heart forever. I heard so many times that the first month of the World Race is typically the hardest, that India would be one of the most difficult countries to begin this journey in. Though it was challenging on so many levels, India broke me in the best way possible.
The experiences my team encountered during slum ministry, the relationships we built with the brothers and other staff members of Covenant Worship, the unity our team established as we embraced our differences, yet shared a commonality of desperation in growing closer to Jesus – broke me.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. I am starting to discover who I am and who I want to be as I move forward. Part of the World Race and growth in your faith is working through some junk. I was a chameleon in my former life. I’ve been searching for 24 years, trying to find my true identity, my true self. I have consumed my life thus far with worldly things, with relationships that didn’t bring fruit to my life, with things that I thought would help me discover who I am, where I fit in, who I wanted to be. I focused so much of my life on pleasing others and fulfilling this image, this mold of how I thought I was to live my life.
I was living for things that brought me a false sense of happiness. I wasn’t happy, nor was I becoming the person that I wanted to be. Though God continued to whisper in my ear, “Follow me, I will fulfill these promises I’ve made to you that there is more, I have more for you”, I fought it for as long as I can remember. The beautiful thing about us pushing God away, is that he will continue to pursue us, over and over and over again. He wants us. He wants us and whatever mess we bring along with us. Though we run from Him, He will continue to wait. He is patient, He is loving, He wants us to be free. Free from judgment, free from comparison, free from our own narcissism, free to fail. He is not a vengeful God who wants to get back at us when we stray from him. He pursues us regardless of the messiness.
There is a beautiful transformation that happens when you break free from the things that have held you back from allowing your heart to be free. When you make the commitment to fully depend on the Lord, to allow him to break your heart for what breaks his, this amazing renewal takes place in your soul. You have purpose, direction, desires that you never new existed.
In no way, shape or form can I say that I know where to go from here, that I have it all together. I am beginning this new season of my life with a lot of uncertainty. I question a lot of things an often get frustrated because I don’t always feel this amazing connection with the Lord that I see so many of my peers embracing. I see prayers spill out of mouths with such grace and fluidity from the Holy Spirit. I see people so naturally walk with The Lord. Rather than my heart being consumed with comparison, it is burning for more. I want more of you God.
He continues to remind me to be patient. To pray for the desires that I have. Jesus said in Mark chapter 11, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” It isn’t a transformation that happens in one big sweep. Building a relationship with anyone doesn’t start at nothing and bloom into an unbreakable bond over night. It takes so much more than that. It takes obedience, commitment, patience, faith, grace, and so much love. Jesus loved us before we were brought into this world, he loves us through our mess, through our confusion, through it all. If I can run from committing to him for 24 years, all while he remained faithful to me, I can be patient in receiving the desires I long for.
India changed my life. I met some incredible people that have such a burning passion for the Lord, not just in church on Sunday’s, not just while we are doing slum ministry, or during worship, but a fire for Him in the way that they live their life. To be able to look at someone, and see Jesus in their smile, in their eyes, in their grace — you know where their heart belongs. It’s a beautiful place to be. A place I so desire to go to.
