I always went to church as a grew up and I remember being baptized when I was very young. Who knows? Maybe that’s when I really believed! But as I grew up I was always a part of youth group at church, first kids groups, then middle school group, then I was the big fish in high school group! I kept some momentum going in to college and joined a college group called “The Navigators.” Looking back, I don’t think I really knew why I was going to these things. The way I describe it is that I was just doing what I had always done. I remember wanting to be a man of God, but I guess I only wanted it to the point of going to these things and playing nice because I don’t remember actively pursuing godliness, and by “godliness” I mean living purposely a life of growth in my relationship with the Lord and becoming stronger in deed, rooted deeper in faith and love. But I was playing nice and was a good boy…
Then I met a certain girl. She’d be called a “good person,” I mean heck, just about all of us are “good people,” but our relationship was anything but honoring to God, and slowly I fell away from my Christian friends, the church, all that… by the grace of God I never stopped believing in my mind, but the sinful nature was very alive “in the members of my body.” (Romans 7.) Well that relationship ended suddenly, after two years, with a crushing revelation.
And I was hurt, because up to that time I’d never shared life so closely with anyone else, and since I had withdrawn from my Christian friends, the church, my God, and placed my hope and self-esteem dependent on that relationship, once it fell away I was left baseless and confused… we’ve all had those breakups. I went through a dark time for about 2 months, and am not proud about some of the things I did during that time.
Nonetheless the Lord loved me, and I felt his pull on my heart, that little nudge of thought, like a bird on the shoulder that you can’t get off and which whispers ideas into your head, saying, “You really need to get back in the church and pursue God.” Eventually that’s what I did. I went back to church and got as involved as I knew how. This is when I chose for myself the choice that we all must face: To accept Him or reject Him, and I chose to accept him, indeed, He first chose me.
Since then, I have no idea what else I’ve done. It’s not like I’ve become more powerful in thought, action, prayer… just tried to stay rooted in scripture and consistent in prayer, but there is a lightness in my being now that I feel like the Lord is causing me to “ride on the heights of the land.” I am certainly not the man I used to be, and I won’t later be the man I am now. The Lord has destroyed or is nearly done destroying many of the destructive tendencies of my previous way of life, and I foresee incredible growth in the future, and especially for this trip. If I could describe my spiritual life at this moment, I feel like I’m on the verge, about to max out first gear and shift into second. It’s like (haha here’s the mathematician in me) I was in the negative and am about to move into the positive. The sinful nature is nearly dead and the life by the Spirit is just about to get started. I know I can’t continue to live the Christian life I’ve been living and remain satisfied (though it has been good). Nope, the little things, the bad habits of the sinful nature, are near death, and I think what is next in line is a transformation of character and some deep-rooted behavioral patterns which aren’t necessarily sinful but are more like psychological imprints formed from growing up with an unhealthy self-image and an unscriptural worldview, if that makes sense, and these are hindrances to living a victorious Christian life. I’m ready and eager for complete alignment — if you know what I mean then you know what I mean! =)
