Who are you? Why are you? Question after question comes to mind in the night hours, when the body wants to go to sleep and the mind will not let it. But I think it was more than just wishful musings or feedback from the day, but God gently calling me, asking me, opening up the wound and then bandaging it correctly. He has repeatedly asked me for the keys, for entrance into the recesses of my heart- the places I hate and yet find myself retreating so much during the hard times. These are the places where the lies of the heart lick the wounds, bringing temporary relief yet ultimately like salt water to a thirsty person causes more harm than good. We all have them.
It is the shrill of the lies that call out when you have been left out, ¨See! Look, they don`t like you, they don´t respect you. It is ok to be angry, ok to get mad at them because you deserve better.¨ And it wraps around us like a warm blanket until eventually you are so tangled up that you cannot breathe or see or care. These are the places God wants. God is not always warm fluffies and bunny rabbits. I don´t think that God sits in a pew on Sunday morning with a smile on His face and hurts in our hearts like we do. Don´t get me wrong, God is there as His Word promises but He desires depth that we don´t want to give. Our hearts are like the little folds in our ears that never seem to be able to get clean no matter how hard we try.
It is funny because we as a team have been discussing the chores that the kids have during the day. They rake the leaves up and get them in a pile and take them where they are supposed to be deposited and then by the time they get back, the leaves are there again. We washed the truck for the lady in charge (partly because Amy dripped chocolate on the top of the roof when we were riding) and by the next afternoon it was completely dirty again. How disheartening to think about that. Our hearts are similar because we strive and strive and battle against the flesh and the evil one and the next day it seems the same. I am not sure if I have an answer to that one.
I am not even sure why I am writing this. On Thursday, the event was amazing as so many people showed up and heard the message and saw the drama. About five people came at the altar call and even more had blessed seeds planted in their hearts and minds.
But I was even more amazed at the fact that we were working so close with the people of the church. I love it here! I feel like this is home at times because the people know me and love me and I them. On Sunday, the place was rocking with the beautiful music of Jesus Christ and the men were dancing in the aisles. (I would have but I am Baptist, hahaha just kidding) But the Spirit was moving there and no one was trying to inhibit it. Everyone was so involved because there is the service and then during the week, the cell groups meet and discuss the previous week´s sermon. And the cell groups stop at 12 people, similar to the amount of people Jesus spent the most time with. And so I am unsure why this is pouring out of my heart. I have great joy at being here, loving the kids and the people and enjoying the work that we have been called to do. But I think God wants more. I pray that I would give Him it all.
