I. I learned that I am much more stubborn that I thought. I have found myself to be a pretty go with the flow, laid back guy. And for day to day things, I would call it rather accurate. But on a deeper level, I clung to what I wanted and what I thought was right. For example, from the beginning, if Alysa was to ask me “cheese pizza chips or sour cream and onion chips?”, I would most likely reply “I don’t care”, or if Anna asked me “where do you want to eat?”, I’d often reply “you choose”. But on a larger scale, I was less inclined to be indifferent. I didn’t want to be intentional with my team. I didn’t really like them anyways, so why would I want to spend more time with them? I have a bitterly sarcastic sense of humor. Oh, your offended by it? Well, it’s who I am, get over it, don’t ask me to change. I am prideful (Thank you Allison for pointing this out). What? I am not! I’m so humble you ought to call me Moses (Numbers 12:3…but seriously, who writes that about themself and gets away with it? Answer: a man inspired by God). Really, the list goes on and on. It’s tough, and I am deifnitely a work in progress, but I’ve come along way since Malaysia, when it first was really brought to my attention. I still have to remind myself daily to drop my stubbornness, to be willing to humble myself before others and admit my missteps.
II. I learned about obedience. That God loves a willing servant, one who actively seeks the will of Him, and remembers to leave the results up to Him. Early on, I found myself discouraged. Others on my team were sharing the gospel with Chinese college students and asking them to lunch, and while I made an effort, I wasn’t seeing the fruits of my labor. What was I doing wrong? What are others doing right? Straight from the gate, I had a spirit of comparison. In Thailand, I had a great conversation with Zach, where he introduced to me obedience vs. results. That God calls us into obedience, to be willing to sacrifice our time, our possessions, and ourselves to spread His kingdom here on earth. He draws closer to us in our obedience to Him. He is overjoyed when we pick up our cross and follow Him, not only when we are successfully make disciples or when Cambodian children can finally correctly identify the color red. This understanding has led me to pecieve ministry in a different way; beforehand, my priority was the end -i.e. in China, my priority in all ministry I did was to make disciples, not the discipleship itself. I began to treat those I came into contact with as a means to an end. They were projects, not humans loved by God just the same as me. But by learning that there was more to discipleship than simply the end means, it allowed me to slow down, let the love of God work through me, and be in fellowship with others. This developed a much deeper, more proverbial expression of God and His ultimate love for everyone.
III. I’ve grown to learn the difference between right and wrong and differences. While I would not admit it (because I didn’t understand it) at the time, I had a welling of pride in me. Early on in the race, many things that people on the squad did different than me, I subconsciously thought was wrong. It peeved me in the back of my head – the way I did things, the way I saw things, the things I believed – I was right, and if people disagreed, they were wrong. But I read a book about adapting into different cultures while in China, and it spoke of a fundamental truth: that what we often consider as right or wrong, is simply different. In fact the vast majority of differences we have are, well, just different – there is no right or wrong. For example, Bethany loves animals and I raised mink. For the life of me I couldn’t wrap my head around the compassion she has for animals. The most accurate way to put it, I thought she was being a weirdo. I thought my more utilization view of animals was right, and her companionship view of animals was wrong. But that’s not true. They are different. In fact, the compassion she has for them is a gift (I was hesitant to admit this one, but it’s true). God created us all differently, with different gifts, affinities, and worldviews. Using these differences, without labeling them right or wrong, together for the glory of God is His plan. Sometimes I retract and make a smug comment about animals, but I’m working on it.
IV. I’ve grown to enjoy prayer. It’s never been a strength of mine. I did it, albeit inconsistently, before the race, but I left it as nothing more of either a thank you game, venting session, or plea for something I wanted. I’m certainly not devoiding those parts of prayer – we are told to take everything to God (Philippians 4:6) – but there is more to it than that. I hadn’t made valid attempts to pray in community, petitioning for ourselves and others as a group unto God. I lacked simple fellowship, just enjoying being in the presence of the universe’s Creator, talking to Him like a friend next to me as opposed to a stranger far away. Now, I enjoy prayer on a consistently frequent basis. I look forward to team prayer. I love to just sit, talking to God about anything on my heart, and listen to Him speak. Because He does. I had, in essence, seen prayer as a one-way communication, and that’s just not true. If we take the time and the energy to listen to God, He speaks in awesome ways. It comes in a plethora of ways – visions, Bible verses, prophecy, for some, even audibly. Feeling the presence of God brings a peace, a joy, and an eagerness to serve Him that nothing else can replicate.
V. I’ve grown to love others in a way that more resembles Christ. I think I mention it in almost all my blogs, but I love my team. But it didn’t start out that way. At first, I was indifferent towards them. Sure they were cool I guess, but that was about it. I very slowly grew closer to them, but there was still a lack of love on my part. I refused to go out of my comfort zone in exchange for a more intimate relationship with them. I didn’t want to risk, because I just saw them as co-workers whom I lived with, rather than people I’d help cultivate in the Lord, and they the same for me. But in Cambodia, I began to risk. I stepped out really for the first time, deciding to be vulnerable. The whole day I was a complete wreck, I clammed up and at times quivered. God convicted me of not sharing with my team things I needed to, and I knew I had to share. So I did. And my team met me with grace. And at that moment, it was revealed to me what true love through Christ looked like. Things didn’t (and haven’t) change overnight, but I wanted what they afforded me – a selfless, Christ like love. So I’ve worked on it. I’ve worked on loving everyone – my team, my squad, the people we meet – in the same way as Christ. I try to serve, to understand, and to encourage others the best I can. While, unfortunately, my innately sarcastic humor sometimes still manages to take over, I feel I’ve made huge leaps toward loving others as Christ has loved.
VI. I’ve grown to step out more into who God created me to be. Coming on the race, I was rather reserved. I wasn’t too used to be being called the quiet one back home, but I commonly hear it on the race. Yes, I’m introverted (not heavily), but I thought I had a rather moderate blend of both. However, my team regularly pointed out that I was inhibited, and they were right. But as the months go on, I become less and less. Some of it may just being more comfortable around my team, but God has taught me, through others, to put my identity in Him and not worry about what other people thought of me. Around the end of Malaysia is when I started to break free of reservation in a more drastic way. I’ve come a long ways, but I also have a long ways to go.
VII. I’ve grown to put more trust and more faith in God. To say He has shattered boxes my mind had tried to ensnare Him in is an understatement. God doesn’t just show up at certain times or care if He has time; He always listens, He always cares, and He always has a deep love and desire for relationship with us. Out of all the ways God could have used to describe Himself to us, He used “father”. This speaks volumes to how He wishes to pursue us, love us, care for us, and cultivate us – all with the intentions of a loving father. This doesn’t mean His plan for us is easy – but He does promise that it’s worth it. And God always keeps His promises. He wants our good. So instead of trying to figure things out on my own, I take it to God. I put my faith and my trust in Him that He will provide, He will deliver, and He has an awesome plan for me. And I not only do I say I believe, but this time, my mind does too.
VIII. Tied in with part of number 4, I’ve learned to slow down. When coming on the race, my intention was to do all that I can for the Kingdom, to pour myself out whenever possible, without any plan on being refilled. That’s disastrous. So, I had to learn the hard way to slow down, and be filled by God. To listen to sermons, to read, to meditate, to just sit in the presence of God. It’s counter to what my mindset was in America, but it’s been one of the most productive areas of growth in me. Spending time relaxing and being enriched by the word of God is pivotal in remaining stable in ministry, and with growing in our relationship with God ourselves. Once I found the vast benefits to this, I will say I quite easily became acclimated to it.
IX. I’ve learned that who I was isn’t me now. I don’t have a crazy, wild, Damascus-road testimony by all means, but like everyone else, I’ve had my fair share of failures. But my past doesn’t dictate or define who I am now. And I’ve come to a fuller realization of that. God wants to meet me where I am now, and to focus on the future. James 1 says to “consider it a joy whenever we experience various trials, knowing that the testing of our faith produces endurance”. Instead of dwelling on past incidents and feeling ashamed and unworthy because them, I’m accepting Jesus, and looking forward to the work He has done in me and will do in me. I’ve been able to break free from chains of the past that blinded my vision for the future – praise God.
