Last nite, I found myself sitting in a bucket of hot water…reading my Bible…in Ireland. I’ve developed some sort of skin infection, and it hurts to sit down. Last week, one of my tent poles broke as we were camping along the coast in high winds and rain. One of my best friend’s is getting married today. This month, I’ve been fighting a spirit of complacency, in my own relationship with God, and as the leader of Team City Lights. And yet, when I consider all this and when I respond honestly, there is no place I would rather be, and there is nothing I would rather be doing. After months of being dragged along – reluctantly like a rebellious child – I feel myself finally arriving at the edge, and God is asking, ‘Can you live here? Are you going to trust me, or are you going to crawl back to where you came from?’.
Thus far with my blog, I’ve been fairly reserved with the things I’ve shared, and I haven’t shared often enough. After all, the Internet is public domain, and God might bring these words to someone I don’t even know. I’ve been scared – scared to put in jeopardy my reputation with people who might think well of me, and scared to endanger my professionalism. I like things to be clean and neat, organized, well versed.
But here’s the thing: you’re here because you love me. You don’t care if it’s messy. Too often I try to do things on my own, and if God has shown me anything in the past three months, it is that I can’t do The World Race alone. I need to share my heart with you. I need to let you know what’s really going on. I need your encouragement, your prayers, and your wisdom. Most of all, I need you to keep reminding me to seek God first. I believe there may be a fine line between surrendering our actions to God and aimlessness, but on that line can stand everyone we love, fighting for us to always choose the one thing that will sustain us.
So here’s the brief update on where most of my focus has been the past three months: being the leader of Team City Lights has been very difficult for me. When I started the Race, I thought I was good at communicating, I thought I was good at loving, I thought I was good at lots of things! God is breaking down my preconceptions. I’ve struggled to communicate with my team, to make them feel loved, and to feel loved myself. I’ve struggled to facilitate an environment where we can all succeed. I’ve struggled to lead us into ministry. I’ve struggled to stay focused on the fruit. I’ve struggled to know when to speak up and when to hold back.
In one week, we’ll be traveling to Bucharest, Romania, where all eleven teams of ‘P’ squad will meet with our three lovely squad leaders. During this time in Romania, several people will be invited to be trained for one month, and at the end of October they will become the new leaders of our squad. We will also undergo changes to our current teams. I have no idea what’s in store for me this next season, but I know that God has a lot more coming, and I want to have the right attitude as we make this transition. Please pray that God will instill in me peace and discernment during this last week in Ireland. Pray that Team City Lights will finish strong, that we will appreciate each other, and that we will see God’s purpose in the things we’ve been through. Pray that my infection will quickly heal, and I’ll be on my feet again.
It takes a red hot heart and an ice cold brain to be a proper ambassador for our God. I need to work on both. Mostly right now, I hope you can see my heart. I hope you can see where I’m at, and meet me there. Thank you so much for the way you have poured into me on this journey – for your emails, for your comments on my blog, for your constant prayer, and for your financial support.
Here’s a good reminder and some encouragement for all of us as we do battle this day:
Ephesians 6:12-13 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
