(I usually run a month or two behind on blogs… so here is something I wrote back in Tanzania.)
I’m inadequate. I lack motivation. I play the comparison game and always lose. I get overwhelmed in big groups. I retreat and hold back who I really am because I’m intimidated. I’m complacent…. blah blah blah etc etc.
Lately Satan has been feeding me lots of these lies. And that’s what they are – lies! I recently had the opportunity to fill in as our team leader for a few days while my actual team leader, Stephanie, was with her parents in Kenya for the parent’s vision trip. I wasn’t scared or nervous, I figured “what can go wrong in 10 days?” I wasn’t trying to take her place or make the team my own and lead in a new or fresh or different way. I planned on doing things the way she does them most of the time cause that’s what the team is used to and it’s what we’ll be doing when she gets back. But while she was gone I figured we needed someone to make the final decisions, find out information, and communicate the details of the day. Well, in just a few days I could begin to tell how much more team leading really entails and requires of the leader.
It’s weird the transition that happens in your mind when you’re no longer looking out for #1, but are also responsible for 6 other people. Not just responsible in a safety sense, but also in a relational, emotional, and spiritual sense. (Not that I took on all that responsibility, because I didn’t feel like it was mine). But it gave me good insight into what that could potentially look like if I was to lead a team like this in the future. It does get tiring always being the one figuring out what’s going on and planning team times and trying to make them creative and interesting every single day. When your just a team member, you have the luxury to sit and wait for someone to tell you what to do and when to do it. You’re not really thinking about if there are problems going on between team members unless it involves you.
(Picture from our safari!)
I felt like I was doing a pretty decent job keeping things together until Steph came back- but I guess that’s where I went wrong to begin with. My way of thinking was all wrong. Even though Steph wanted me to step up and do things how I saw fit, I didn’t really think that was possible in 10 days so I didn’t try. I just wanted everyone to get along and be happy until she was here to take over again. I did put my best effort forth but I can see why it takes a little while to get a good grasp on how to do things well as a leader and for the team. I didn’t have much time to do that so when Steph got back I thought she looked like a pro (and she is). Everything I did looked and felt a little stupid and just not good enough (at least in my eyes). And then again, I didn’t think there was that much to do; however, when she got here it was like we were playing catch up because I hadn’t done enough. All I could see were her obvious gifts and talents in leadership and counseling and how everyone thrived off of them so well. People open up like a freshly bloomed flower when she asks a question that I couldn’t get out of them for a week. People laugh and joke with her and she seems to be everything I’m not – affectionate, funny, dramatic, caring, motivated, giving, and a get-it-done attitude. Unfortunately, I didn’t see many of those “leaderish” qualities resounding in myself.
Then the squad leaders came with all their confidence and positions demanding respect. All I could see were people chosen out of a group of 50 who obviously have something I don’t because I was not chosen to be one of them. I see outspoken voices that speak wisdom and truth, gentleness that loves and cares naturally for their neighbor more than themselves, and a quiet strength and humor that people love and are attracted to. All I could see was that these people are the same age as me but are so much further along than I am. What haven’t I done that I need to do and why am I not there yet?
So naturally the power shifts back into Steph’s hands and I resort back to being quiet and waiting for orders, not sharing my opinion but trusting that someone’s else’s is better. At first I don’t like it. But then I realize how much better she is at everything. She perceives everybody’s internal struggles on the team and some things that are going on and brings it to the light. She takes the time to speak life and rebuke any lies. Why didn’t I think of that? Or why don’t people open up to me as much and why do I have a harder time forming close relationships with everybody? Would people miss me as much as her if I left for 10 days?
Re-reading these thoughts of mine made me realize how much oppression and lies Satan was throwing my way all in about 24 hours! Something wasn’t right and I just couldn’t put a finger on it. And then it happened, we had our daily team time where we come together and give feedback or talk about life and each others celebrations and challenges. But this team time consisted of confessing any lies we felt had been spoken over us by others or planted in our minds by ridiculous thoughts as a result of spiritual warfare. Let me tell ya, speaking the truth brings freedom. It’s a biblical principal and it works. So after the realization that something inside was wrong and speaking the lies out, I was able to claim truth instead. So here they are…
- I am more than adequate
- I am equipped
- I am qualified
- I am called
- I am beautiful just as God created me
- I am healthy
- I have the authority of Christ within me
- I am powerful
- I am a leader
- I have a voice and people want to hear what I have to say
- I have wisdom and knowledge
- I am loving, kind, and generous
- I am confident
- I am motivated and hard working
So maybe today, look at some of the lies the world has been telling you and refute them with the truth. Take a look at what God says about you and continue to claim His words over yourself until you believe them. Then you will be able to walk out in those truths, not just believing they are true, but seeing them in action.
