Sometimes the truth hurts. And the reality of being away for a year has begun to set in. Lets just say I hope the whole World Race doesn’t feel like month one…
- I expected that I would love every country I went to on the race
- I hoped that it would be hard to leave
- I expected that my blog would allow me to share every part of my experience
- I hoped that there would never be really hard experiences that I needed to share (it’s funny though because as many of you can probably recall, I wanted the World Race to be challenging. I asked God to make me change and grow in ways that would require me to go through both pain and brokenness. But of course when it became time to stop talking about changing and instead actually go through with it, it felt no where close to as glamorous as I had made it sound).
For all of these expectations, I was very wrong.
In regards to Expectation #1
I appreciated the Dominican Republic but I in no way loved it. Try as I might to feel as passionate about the Dominican Republic and its people as some of my teammates, there was just something about it that kept me at a distance. Sure I was inspired by their hospitality, encouraged by their faith, moved by their worship music, and blown away by the masterpiece that simply is the Dominican Republic landscape, but still there was something missing.
Even now sitting here in Haiti I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was that I wasn’t feeling. I just knew the Dominican Republic never felt like home.
But even with that love absent, I know the Dominican Republic is where I was meant to begin this journey. I will admit, I felt guilty about it at first. How dare I not enjoy every second when God has clearly placed me here and considering the fact that so many people (that includes you, my readers) felt called to support me. I have no right to not like this place.
But then I came to the tough realization that I did not sign up for a vacation. I committed to a program that literally flips people’s worlds upside down and the reality is, that’s not always fun (and I will add: nor is it meant to be).
Expectation #2
I tried my very hardest to be present in every moment and enthusiastic for what each day could bring. But admittedly, by the time the countdown reached “2 more days left in the DR,” I was rearing to go. Call it exhaustion, or maybe just a yearning for change, I’m not quite sure, but no matter what it was clear that my heart was ready to move on.
Expectation #3
A lot happens on the race. My thoughts literally change by the minute. It feels like as soon as I speak something into the air my opinion on the matter changes. So as you can imagine, capturing these fleeting thoughts on paper and then posting them to my blogs is well…complicated at best. And in all honesty, no matter how much I share, it just doesn’t fill the void of not being with all of you for a year.
When I signed up for this thing I committed myself to a different life and I am realizing that despite my misguided expectations God is making right on His promises. He promised to take care of me (not in the ways I’m used to but in the way he knows I need). He promised to test me (in ways that I may feel I’m not ready for, but that he knows I am), and He promised to love me through it all (and in this He is sticking to His words in ways far above even my expectations. I hear Him and feel Him in ways I’ve never even thought to pray for). So no matter what happens, I know our God is good.
Expectation #4
The hard reality is that a Christian life doesn’t always feel good. We are called to be obedient and to readily make sacrifices. God has been leading me to pray to lay down myself, and within that my desires, and place it all at His feet. He has been calling me to see through His eyes instead of my own. But these lessons are not easy. I’ve been living for myself for so long and parts of me don’t want that to change.
All in all, I like the describe the DR as a beautiful disaster (shout out to which ever artist it was who coined that phrase).
It was this month I realized…
My legs are going to be hairy for an entire year, whether I like it or not
Saying goodbye to family and friends is real and even if the country I’m in has Internet it is not enough to keep me in touch with everyone I love.
That I want prayer to be my first defense (in ministry, in relationships, in sickness, in joy, and just in general, in life).
Talking about poop and how often I’ve gone in a week is not only normal but feels necessary.
I need to take time to be completely alone with God and THAT is going to be the way I recharge my spirit
I struggle with honesty because of a deep seeded fear that if I tell someone the truth, they won’t like me because of it
Feeling like a girl is a rare occurrence because doing things like fixing my hair, painting my nails, wearing cute clothes, and plucking my eyebrows are often more trouble than they’re worth
I love electricity! Electricity means light, fans, charged electronics and just general happiness.
I sometimes use my boldness and stubbornness to avoid being vulnerable
Whew if these are all the things one month can teach me, imagine where I’ll be month 11. Thank you DR for the lessons. Now on to Haiti…a new chapter!
