This month we were asked to write a blog about men. So here it is 😛
I spent years trying to be a man.
I read book after book, some brilliant, some reaching deep into my heart, some offending me.
I couldn’t decided what being a real man was. Few examples in my life had lived up to the standard that society set. On television they were buffoonish simpletons that constantly upset the Mrs. Homer Simpson. Al Bundy. King of Queens.
In the real world the men I knew were angry, hurtful, drug users. It’s hard not to find men a reproach and a terror when you see so much darkness at such a young age. I saw strength abused. I saw men cultivate power as a means to force themselves into the heart of impressionable women.
I turned to the example set before me in “christianity". I was caught up in whirlwind of random views. It didn’t help. I found most people falling into the cartoonish oversimplification that some pastors call manliness. Red Meat. Cigarettes are a sin but cigars are edgy.. No pink. Video Games are evil. Football.
I would walk away disheartened.
Is that really it? Do people honestly believe this? Was Jesus afraid of pink? He probably wasn’t allowed to even eat bacon. Did he watch football for hours on end and then make fun of gamers by calling them nerds? Is that my Jesus? If Jesus cut hair for a living instead of making furniture would you still follow Him?
Manliness was so cultural.
So for years I tried to forge a path on my own. If no one could tell me how to become a real man, I would do it my way.
I tried to find validation in fighting for women. Instead it was a crippling path of codependent behavior. Maybe if I could rescue one girl, I would be a man.
That never works. If anything I found myself appalled by the truth.
Often people don’t want unconditional love, patience, hope, joy, peace, gentleness. They want a stereotype. They confuse meekness, the patient use of strength, with passivity. They see motorcycles, leather jackets, and smoking. Look at our movies. Our romantic comedies and chick flicks. Every beautiful girl meets Mr. Six-Pack Abs, they fight a bit, and then after knowing each other for less time than people in line for a movie they have found the “One.”
Our action movies have ridiculous standards for men and idolize actors to an unheard of level. How many have fallen in lust with a caricature of a man played by an actor with more divorce in his resume than movies.
This is a generation of confused and picky people.
A long time ago it hit me.
I was spending my summer discipling young men at summer camp. I didn’t have property. I hardly earned a living. I had room and board. I worked day and night to spread the gospel to youth on an Island in New York. I finally realized how much of a man I really am. I was surrounded by real men. Some had traditionally nerdy hobbies, some had emotional baggage, some had incredible testimonies. It didn’t matter what flavor or stereotype. I was surrounded by men who decided to give up everything to serve Jesus and that was truly the manliness thing I ever saw.
You see this world wants to convince us that manliness is something to strive after. That growing a big bushy beard and learning classy strategies makes one manly. That people arrive when they get a house and property and stop living with mom. They write books on how to be a better man and complain about how christian men aren’t up to snuff.
In a game of comparison, people will lose. Some men do have rippling muscles and others own an armory of guns. Striving to be some stand out sample of manliness is crippling. Everywhere around us already walk incredible examples of manliness.
In a world at war, where Satan hates us and wants to destroy everything good. People still make it to twenty five years of marriage. That is a husband who should be celebrated and encouraged. He is a man in a society where walking away and divorce is so easy.
A kid from a broken home who works at Wal-Mart, serves in church, and lives simply. He may lack the ambition of an Ivy League scholar, but overcoming a fatherless society and not giving into the crippling pressure to be a drop-out is a huge accomplishment.
A soon to be father who decides the societal shame of having a child of out of wed-lock is little in comparison to running away from fatherhood and considering other options. Who stays and raises a child, makes things right and pursues marriage. He is a man making things right.
In Taiwan I spent roughly a year trying to connect with the male students. They often seemed intimidated around me. Many of them had low self-respect. It was sad. The culture uses an archaic education system to break and shame many students. It may increase knowledge but it deadens the soul.
I read this simple passage in a great book about the male spirit, Wild At Heart. It spoke of encouraging men. Just tell them they are men. Let them know they are not screw-ups. Stop trying to make them become something different. Let them know who they really are. So I tried it.
The difference was astounding. Telling a nineteen year old student that he is a man, instead of asking him to become one blew my mind. Some of the students blossomed in boldness, did things they never would have otherwise, and made huge life change.
I reckon many of the men dodging fatherhood, running from problems, and giving into addictions feel so small. In a fatherless generation few have been a voice of encouragement. Instead of helping them overcome these issues we often harp on them. Bringing shame to the forefront and hoping it is the great motivator of the soul.
We always ask this question, “Why are there no male missionaries out there? Why do so many women become missionaries?”
The answer is simple. We didn’t want them. We told all the men in the last three generations that if they haven’t finished college, started a career, and owned property by age twenty-six they are failures. Instead of ushering men into a life of reckless abandon with God we have taught them that success is merited by job status or partying. We painted a picture of pale-skinned kind naive men who become missionaries out of obligation. We asked young aspiring men who want to work at Summer Camp changing lives forever, translate the bible, pastor a church, live in huts with African villagers, pursue bible school…
“When are you going to grow up? Get a real job? When will this phase be over? You do realize you can’t support a family and live like this, don’t you? You can’t do this forever.”
If we want more men on the mission field. This needs to change.
I am right now in Africa living in squalor with five other men. Men who left careers, gave up the prospect of marriage, comfort, respect from family members, to travel thousands of miles and minister to people. It’s hard, it’s tough, it’s dirty. They don’t all have money to even to through the month. Everyday is day to day dependence on God. Let alone having to start life all over again when they get home.
And the saddest part is that many of them instead of being championed are peppered with questions about the wisdom of all that. They listen as girls talk about movie stars and the hotness of actors in Hollywood.
It screams loudly to the men, “Chase success and you’ll be attractive. Work-out and be in movies. Then you’ll be a real man. Take the safe road. You are a fool for leaving everything behind. What do you have to go back to. What do you have to offer?”
When instead they should be encouraged for actually caring enough to leave everything and pursue Jesus overseas.
The deepest fear men have is of failure. We are always wondering if we can provide. If we have what it takes. If we will pull through. To willingly give up our ability to provide and pursue serving and loving others is hard. There is so much pressure behind all of that.
Is it any wonder it’s hard to be a male missionary?
Do we really want a generation of burnt out corporate scrooges?
Men, the men in your life. Our lives. Need encouragement. They need to be told how successful and wonderful they are. I have seen such amazing power in how Tanner and Ben hold and care for orphans. I have seen Brad pursue the Holy Spirit like few men I know. I have seen Ekow rise up to leadership and give guidance to many people. I have seen Eric fight one of the hardest fights imaginable and press deeper into Christ.
I think we can all see some man who needs encouragement. Some friend, family member, even a spouse who is just desperately wondering, “Can I make it? Can I pull through?” Tell them they can. Let them know you believe in them. Champion the ways they are doing well. Call up an old friend and let him know you were really influenced by him. Those little interactions, no matter how small, can change lives. They are force behind change. The momentum that keeps people going. They can be the power that keeps a missionary on the field and a father believing he can raise a kid to be something good in this world.
