I tend to be a prideful person. Of course I would never willingly walk around telling people how I am full of myself I am. To be honest, this revelation has come as a surprise to me. Only lately have I come to realize this pride. Being the youngest of 5 children, you would think I have no problem voicing what I want and getting it. The reality is that I have an incredibly hard time asking others for anything. You can ask my parents, until this day, those that love me the most know that I absolutely despise asking others for help with anything. This is most evident in things having to do with money. Enter The World Race. I am completely at the mercy and compassion of others to catch my vision and support me in my quest to go around the world and love the hurting. This is incredibly humbling. The last few days I have truly considered why I am having such a hard time with this aspect of doing the work that Christ calling me to. I think the real issue is that I want to be self sufficient. I want to take comfort in the fact that I saved the money and I made it happen. I don’t like the idea of having to convince someone to do something or tell them why they should help me. It is simply easier if I just do things myself. The fallacy in that thinking is that Christ is not trying to make this about me. He is making this about Him. Jesus wants me to trust Him in what He is calling me to do. He wants to lead me, not follow me. In many aspects, I feel as though some Christians that claim to follow Jesus are self made Christians. They do all that they feel necessary, and there they are in the end left to take all the credit for what the have accomplished. The problem with that, is that when I am doing things on my own I don’t need Christ. The last few weeks I have been reminded that Christ is molding and shaping me, and yes, even breaking me down to a place of trust in Him that I have never been before. It’s quite uncomfortable. There is a saying “Why fix what is not broken.” The ironic thing is I do not feel broken with my pride and do it myself mentality, but Christ doesn’t want me to be self reliant and not needing Him. So maybe when I don’t need him, I am actually broken. He wants me to trust him radically, and to have deep faith in him. That is why I have resorted to the fact that this is going to be a very humbling process, where my pride, and self trust will be broken down to nothing until all that is left is trust in Jesus. While this is actually frustrating at times, I have also seen the beauty in people from around the world and unlikely places doing what they can to support what Christ is calling me to do. Jesus is continually reminding me, it’s all about Him and not about me.
