Most World Racers (myself included) have a tendency to write titles to their blogs that are deceitful but spark curiosity. Titles like “I Got Proposed to on the Race” or “Rants of an Addict” run rampant throughout the World Race website. We click on them only to find out that it was Jesus who called to her to be His bride or that the thoughts of an “addict” are thoughts of a man/woman that is “addicted” to God. While I appreciate their cleverness, this is not one of those cases. I am addicted, in the full sense and original negativity of the word.
I haven’t written in a while, so I figured I should write something. No deep insights or sudden revelations in this entry, though I wish there were. Only thoughts. The ponderings of my mind, explicit and incoherent, written to help me reflect deeper on the subjects. Forewarning: I am aware of the lies that pervade my thoughts. Realize that even as I write these words it pains me to know that these thoughts are mine, although I do not believe them fully. However, to say I write them all off completely would be a lie, and I would have no purpose in writing this. Even still, the majority of my being knows them to be false. So here it is, a small glimpse of the mountains of my addiction, accountability & apathy; the thoughts of an addict. Side note: This is going to be a long blog, and I apologize for that.
Addiction: a strong and harmful need to regularly have something or do something (Merriam-Webster Online)
This definition discourages me. While it describes the meaning in a satisfactory way, it does not properly portray the problem of an individual that is endlessly dependent on a certain activity (whether it be smoking, gambling, drinking etc. etc.). On the other hand, I understand the simplicity of the sentence because I cannot think of any definition that could properly achieve the fullness of the word. And how can one comprehend the gravity of “addiction” when it is thrown about so carelessly (e.g. “These Doritos are so good! I’m addicted to them!”). The use of the word so nonchalantly makes it bland. It creates the mindset that any new addiction will be like that of their prior “addiction” to Doritos, able to drop the bag and walk away whenever you desire. Now I know most are not so ignorant as to actually believe that an addiction to alcohol/drugs/nicotine (to name a few) is as difficult to overcome as your favorite foods, but their view of addiction is minimized nonetheless. I am not proposing that we stop using the word “addiction” like others have tried to stop the use of “gay”, because clearly that does not fix the central problem and would be a near-impossible task, but awareness is the first step.
Some of you are or have been just as aware of it as I am. You feel utterly helpless. Alone in your battle, unqualified and unequipped to fight. Besides, your addiction is pleasurable from time to time although the bulk of it is only to quench your thirst. You return to it time and time again because it is what is comfortable. Life is an endless struggle against a formidable adversary. And why fight him? He will always be there, though he may get weaker. But so will I. It seems better to live under control of something else than to struggle to survive.
I will stop here. I feel that it gets too dark from here on, and the greater part of my main points have been hit. I would like to reiterate that I know these are lies, but these are the initial thoughts that come to mind when I think about each subject. Remember that for this upcoming section.
Next on the agenda is accountability. To me accountability is sharing one’s burden with another person or persons so that they can encourage and assist you. That seems unfair. How could I share such a dark and heavy burden with an innocent friend? Even if they do desire to help, they have no possible way of knowing what exactly they are getting themselves into. Accountability breeds disappointment; disappointment breeds lies; lies breed skepticism; skepticism breeds apathy, and apathy breeds more apathy.
Accountability leads to disappointment for both parties involved. It is almost inconceivable to think that accountability would instantly stop whatever harmful behavior one is doing, so of course there will be relapses. This causes disappointment to the accountability parter because they feel like they have failed, and it causes disappointment to the addict because they let the other down. After a number of disappointments, the addict will begin to hide their addiction to avoid hurting the accountability partner further. Those lies lead to skepticism, because no addiction is easily hidden. Now the accountability partner does not know whether or not to take the addicts word, because he/she has lied in the past. All of this causes more stress, which the addict will try to seek relief from by going back to the addiction. Then the accountability partner becomes apathetic towards the addict. They no longer can trust anything the addict says, and the addict only lies and sneaks around.
So why care anymore? But when the accountability partner becomes apathetic towards the addict, the addict becomes apathetic towards their addiction, which leads to my last “mountain”.
Apathy
“No one else cares, why should I?” “I’m just going to let everyone down anyways.” “I’ve tried many times before and it has never worked, so why even try again?” “I’m such an idiot for getting myself into this, I deserve this punishment.” “My addiction isn’t that bad anyways.” “I can’t imagine life without it.” “How am I supposed to handle stress if I can’t have my addiction?” “I need a reason to quit, I can’t just do it now.” “Besides, I kind of like it at times.”
When no one seems to care or when people stop believing in you, you stop believing in yourself. And that I believe is the heart of addiction. You just don’t care if it controls you. You don’t care if it hurts the ones you love. You don’t care if it kills you. But it is not even enjoyable anymore. It is part of you, a huge part of you. And when you do not desire or care to be free, you become stuck. And I believe the first step in overcoming an addiction is to learn how to get un-stuck. But unfortunately, there is no secret formula to getting un-stuck. You just have to want it. I think Saint Augustine’s famous quote is a perfect example of what apathy in addiction looks like:
“But I wretched, most wretched, in the very commencement of my early youth, had begged chastity of Thee, and said, ‘Give me chastity and continency, only not yet.’ For I feared lest Thou shouldest hear me soon, and soon cure me of the disease of concupiscence, which I wished to have satisfied, rather than extinguished.”
-Saint Augustine. “The Confessions of Saint Augustine.”
You want to be done, but you also want to keep doing it. You want to please God, but you also want to please your flesh. More often than not, your addiction seems to win.
Now I did not write this to have a pity party. I did not write this to be dramatic. I didn’t write this to make my mom cry (which mom, I am sorry about that). I wrote this so that I could think about and deal with my thoughts further. But I posted it so that you could have a look inside the head of someone who is struggling with some addiction. So that you can understand the lies that they deal with and the struggles they go through. A wise and kind woman once told me that I am a “redemption story in progress.” And as a christian, I know that God will never let us be tempted beyond our ability (1 Corinthians 10:13). He is already working in me and helping me overcome my addictions, it is just unfortunately a long and painful process.
But now I would like to start by responding to the lies my mind has told me:
1. No one else cares, why should I?
TRUTH: Friends, family, even some acquaintances care. They are all on my side and some want me to quit more than I do.
2. I’m just going to let everyone down anyways
TRUTH: It is 100% in my power to choose to let people down or not. And even if I do, they will still love me and support me.
3. I’ve tried many times before and it has never worked, so why even try again?
TRUTH: It only takes one successful try at quitting to be done. I shouldn’t give up just because I did in the past.
4. I’m such an idiot for getting myself into this, I deserve this punishment
TRUTH: It’s okay, everyone makes stupid decisions every once and a while. I don’t deserve the grace God has given me, but He gives it anyways because He loves me. He doesn’t want me to have to deal with my addictions anymore.
5. My addiction isn’t that bad anyways
TRUTH: There are worse things I’m sure, but that doesn’t make it any better. It still harms my body and darkens my mood, and I shouldn’t want that.
6. I can’t imagine life without it
TRUTH: It will be hard, but I know in the end I will love life more without it. I should take this opportunity to learn to trust and rely on God more.
7. How am I supposed to handle stress if I can’t have my addiction?
TRUTH: I need to go to God. He is the one that will give me peace. In Him I will find my rest and hope.
8. I need a reason to quit, I can’t just do it now.
TRUTH: My reason to quit should be that I want to stop saying “no” to God. That is more than enough of a reason to quit. JUST DO IT™
9. Besides, I kind of like it at times
TRUTH: BUT, I really want to quit. It is not enjoyable the majority of the time anyways.
The bible is a good book, it is full of encouragement for hard times. So I will give you a few that I really like (if you click on them, it should take you to the verse if you want to read them).
Romans 8:18
Matthew 11:28
1 Peter 4:12-13
Psalm 62:5
2 Corinthians 12:9
I pray that this blog may be of some use to you, as it was to me. Continue to pray for me and all the others that have stories like mine. And I hope and pray that someday soon our “redemption stories in progress” will no longer be “in progress.”
Thanks for reading!
Also, I wrote a short allegory explaining what I believe to be the walk of an addict who is a christian. If you would like to read it, it will be the next blog I have posted:
The Pilgrim’s Progress: The Labyrinth of Addiction
