The last week or so has been tough for me. I have so much on my plate, so many loose ends begging to be tied, so much to do that is completely out of my hands. It has been day to day survival… A day by day surrendering (or on some days, lack of surrender) to the Lord, knowing full well that my life is currently beyond me. I'll never be caught up on readings, never be on top of projects, never be fully prepared for exams and never able to plan beyond tomorrow. God has SO much in front of me and so often it feels like too much. And if I can't even handle my day to day life, I'm certainly unable to plan and prepare for 7 months down the road right now. I've been in a state of dread and anxiousness this past week feeling panicked that I have yet to send out a single support letter. Heck, I haven't done anything but write one blog. And frankly, it has made me miserable. And cry. Until today. And well, I still cried today, but for a different reason. Today I was humbled. So very, very humbled.
Today I checked the mail. (I never check the mail.) And in the mail there was an envelope for me. And it was a letter. And it was a simple note from a dear, dear family member. And the note said, "You know you can call whenever. I love you and am SO proud of you." And in that note was a check. My first support raised for The World Race. Without sending a support letter, without them reading my blog… This person sent me a check. And it literally brought me to my knees in the middle of my kitchen because seriously, how awesome is our God?! Today I was reminded that in no way, shape or form does God need me. And beyond that, this pressure that I'm feeling is not from Him. Because it is a privilege to serve the Lord in this way. And if it is of the Lord that I go on The WR, well, I better believe it's going to happen with or without my support letters sent out tomorrow. Or the next day. Or next month. Or quite possibly even ever. (Although I don't plan on testing that.) Because right now I see such a tiny glimpse of my life while God is looking at the entire picture. I'm placing the pieces of the very large puzzle of my life day by day, wrestling with ones that don't quite fit together and getting confused with all the blue sky pieces that look exactly the same, and God is looking at the finished work.
"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. " Psalm 61:2
This is my prayer right now… "Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." God's perspective is SO much greater. So while I'm fretting about essays and support letters and personality tests, God is refining me in ways I can't begin to imagine. He is preparing me for a greater purpose. And hope and rest can only be found in Him. And while that's easy to say, I need to start truly believing it and remembering that God is FOR me. And because of that, nothing can be against me… Not time, not schedules, not the unknown… Not even myself.
