If you have ever been my family; if I have called you friend; or if you have been my significant other, if we have ever been teammates or some type of acquaintance, if we have been enemies, or if we have ever crossed paths, this is for you.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I claimed to be a “Christian” and waved my banner high but did not follow him in deed and thought. I knew all about where he went and what he did but nothing of his character or heart so I pushed him aside. And though I did not know his character I searched for it in every person I met. I looked for perfection in people who could never be perfect, for healing from others who are broken, and love that would comfort, disarm, and remove all my fear and shame, an unconditional love that no human truly possesses.
I tried to make you into Jesus and of course you could never be that so my aching heart began to break. And with my broken heart I knocked on door after door hoping that one of you would be able to piece it back together. That one of you would be my Jesus, my rescuer. But every time I was disappointed when you weren’t what I expected. So I walked away from you and blamed you for things that you had never done or even able to do in the first place.
When it didn’t work out as I planned I got more defensive of my heart; tried this tactic or that lie or this angle to keep me from being hurt and all the while my heart was shattering more and the shards of it began to shatter you. Hurt people hurt people, and that’s what this hurt person did. I lied to you and manipulated you. I tried to make you love me or at least keep you around. But the more I tried and lied and spewed my venom the less you could be around me. There was no part of me that wasn’t dripping with poison and it was killing us both. You tried to get me to leave it behind and take it to the cross but I spat at it instead. I spat at you and drove you away.
But nearly two years ago, after doing everything I could to keep Jesus away I got tired of fighting and let him in. And when I did it changed me. I was looking at the face of true love and wholeness. He was the only one that could even recognize what was once my heart and he began to piece it back together. And as he pieced it together and healing began the lies got less frequent until they died completely. Manipulation was no longer my first language and it became foreign to me.
I reached a pinnacle of freedom, a mountain top where I was me. I became a life transformed and radical, a true warrior in the kingdom. But the enemy didn’t want me at my pinnacle; he prefers me in my pit. So he has lied to me and told me I can never truly be free of my poison; it will always live inside me just bubbling beneath the surface. I began to feel shame for my past and fear for my future. He told me I was a ticking time bomb and that sooner or later I would explode all over the people I loved. And I believed him.
I believed every word of his venom and began to sink into another pit, a new one. So I’m sorry that I’ve held you at a distance. I’m sorry I hid behind a computer screen or wore a mask of “I’m alright” when on the inside I was being torn apart. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you and I haven’t let you be there for me. I’m sorry I let myself be dragged down into the darkness, the pit of lies and shame.
But now the light is here and the darkness is fleeing before it. My eyes are getting stronger and I can see the truth. I am going to love you all without fear because his perfect love has cast it out. I’m sorry I left you for a while but I’m back. And I’m not going anywhere.
