By far the hardest way to live. I haven’t yet figured out how the disciples just meshed and living in community was so simple for them. I’m sure they had their ups and downs, but it seems like they had more ups than downs.
I love my team, but being a part of a team that is full of strong personalities is difficult. I see how they can help me grow, but I still wonder why I was placed on this team.
Coming into this, I had an idea of what community would look like and the life of the disciples was it, but as of right now I ain’t seeing it happen. Who knew it would be this difficult? Not me.
Trying not to make people upset is tiring and draining, but little me wants to keep the peace. Healthy? I would say no, but what do you do when you feel like that is who you are suppose to be. The Peacekeeper. Happy go lucky Jackie who never gets upset.
Yea I put on a face that all is well, but honestly it isn’t. I don’t know how to open up and be real. Being myself is hard, because I don’t know who I can and cannot trust. Trust issues? I have them.
Sometimes I feel like the easiest thing to do is keep things to myself and keep it between me and God and let no one in. How can I be vulnerable and real when I feel like I can’t trust you. Yea, community is hard. Sometimes I want to give up, but I can’t because the love and respect I have for my Heavenly Father is greater than what I want.
This past week was hard and I broke down, but of course away from the eyes of others. Only a few saw the tears. For many years, I felt alone and trusting people has always been a struggle and I want to break free from these chains and let the walls down.
Living in community is not what I expected, but I know that one day, hopefully soon, we will be the way community is expressed in Acts 4:32, “All the believers were united in heart and mind. And they felt that what they owned was not their own, so they shared everything they had.” I want to share everything with my team, not only the materialistic, but also what goes on in my mind and what I am facing. I want to be open, raw, and vulnerable. I want to be real.
