It’s officially month 6 of the race and it’s more than I ever thought it could be the day I left America. How little my expectations were towards such a big Love. I began the race disappointed with God and doubtful that I would ever fully give myself to Him again. Yet towards that rejection, He chose chivalry and said to me:
“you’re welcome to be mad at me. I love you anyway. You’re welcome to keep me at a distance. I love you so much I will wait for you. You’re welcome to hold on to what you can’t trust me with yet. I love you too much to take it from you. You’re welcome to be a mess in front of me, I love your real you. I think you’re amazing. I think you’re strong. I think you’re my best creation yet.”
I’m sitting here on a bus about to cross the border to Botswana…and as I write this, part of me thought “what if this is it? What if this was the peak of the race? What if this is all I get? What if I’ve reached my limit of maximum freedom and joy and there’s no love left for me?” Haha, then I realize how incredibly absurd that sounds…He has storehouses of rain and snow…He has time that we can’t understand and wisdom that puts the wise to shame. He has the grace to clothe the lillies and feed the sparrows. He has the love to sacrifice His own Son and call me His beloved daughter in exchange.
That big love that you wait your whole life for…that love that just takes over your thoughts day in and day out…that love that makes you wake up with no reason to be happy but you are anyway…that love that satisfies places you didn’t even know were craving something…that love that’s the place you rush to when you feel unsteady because you know that out of anyone else, they’ll get it even if you don’t have the words…that love that drives you crazy when you don’t get the answers you want- or sometimes you don’t get the answers at all but somehow that doesn’t matter and you still trust Him because you can’t help it…that love that makes you want to be the best version of yourself you could ever be, but gives you the freedom to completely miss the mark and still be wanted…I discovered that love in Jesus, and to my surprise, He was waiting all along on my invitation and not the other way around.
I’ve discovered my freedom. I’ve discovered my strength. I’ve discovered my beauty. I’ve discovered my worth. I’ve discovered the heart of Jesus towards me and the rest of the world, and it’s lovely. It’s overwhelming. It’s a game-changer on the board of perfectionism and people-pleasing that my past and I designed together…and it’s deserving of so much more than my feeble attempt to put it into words.
How did I get here? Day to day it just looks like the same junk to work through and the same season to rest in and learn from…all of the sudden you look up and you’re a completely different person, and you’re suddenly not stiff arming Jesus but you’re holding His hand- if not clenching to it saying “oh my God don’t let me let go even if I beg to- for I’ve discovered abundant life & it’s messy and uncomfortable and it’s hard and sometimes painful and scandalous and it’s everything I never knew I always wanted.”
Ahh man. How could this be as good as it gets? This isn’t even the beginning of all there is for this wonderful life.
Jesus, I really have no idea how to adequately say what just took place the last 6 months, but I want it to happen again, and more, and deeper, and with everything you’ve got.
So here’s to the halfway point that feels like the beginning of a whole lot MORE.
