We were sitting at the dinner benches in Haiti the night before we were scheduled to leave when my squad leader asked “So do you feel ready to leave tomorrow? Like you’ve been able to process everything from this month?”
“Yeah! I feel great; so ready for Costa Rica” I replied.
{smile // snap : goodbye new friends from Haiti // post successful}
reality: I feel like I’m abandoning you.
I didn’t realize how unprepared I was for the whiplash that transitioning into month 3 would give me. Our alarms sounded at 3:30 am. We packed up the bus, headed to the airport, and were in the air in no time. “Wait. What the heck, we just got here.” Before I knew it we were in Atlanta for our layover.
{smile // snap : hello Chick-fil-a // post successful}
reality: why did I miss this unimportant stuff so much? I’ve been fine without it.
In a blink, it was back on the plane to Costa Rica.
{smile // snap : ready for ya, month 3! // post successful}
reality: am I really ready for you, month three?
It was a long day, but it flew by (pun intended). In the hustle of the travel, I just couldn’t mentally settle down long enough to reflect on anything. Since being here its just been a lot of GO. Ministry days are full days (which I have loved every second of).
{smile // snap : serving with Conexion Ministries! // tag approved}
reality: “great. I love these people again. Getting real sick of falling love with people I have to leave.”
Off days are full days (because, who wants to rest when you could adventure in Costa Rica for the first time)?
{smile // snap : check Pacific toe-dipping off my bucket list! // post successful}
reality: this simple thing made me really happy.
Somewhere between it all I’ve felt that little friend called “Emotion” tap on my shoulder; unyielding in it’s demand to be acknowledged. Why do I feel like I’m abandoning people? Why do I feel afraid to get too close? Why do I dread the goodbyes? To be honest (which I really don’t want to do), I’m learning that it goes back to losing my friend last year. Getting the punch in the stomach that a brother I loved was gone and I’d never get the closure I wanted. Deciding I never wanted to get close to someone again so that I’d never hurt that bad again.
{don’t smile // snap : I miss you, Jon. I’m so thankful for everything I’m learning, but I miss you. // post successful}
reality: “I hope people don’t think I’m still a basket case over this.”
Social media has created a platform that only has enough room for the perfectly pretty posts. We focus on posting the highlights (because, who would ever ‘like’ the ugly stuff)? We take the picture until it is perfect. We approve only the flattering pictures we get tagged in. We cater to our audience, we give them what we think they’ll like. We spend time planning what we will post, how we will caption it, and allow the number of likes and comments to determine or deter our significance and worth.
So what’s the point? Why am I sitting here roasting my own posts on social media? Because I want to create a new platform where I can freely display God’s glory through the different seasons of my life without fear of being analyzed. I believe that when you said you wanted to follow my journey, you meant you wanted the good, the bad, the happy, the ugly, the sad, the hard, the incredible, the miracles, the victories, the doubts…I believe you wanted to be part of it all; and so far, for the most part, I’ve only showed you the highlights out of my own fear or being thought of as anything less than amazing or perfect. But I have a hunch that I’m not the only racer that has felt the pressure to keep the posts pretty so that the supporters know their money isn’t being wasted and the followers are happy reading all about “the dream” that we get to live this year.
So this is for you, World Racer reading this: maybe you’re way ahead of me…maybe you haven’t left yet…maybe you’re in that weird in-between of training camp and launch…pay close attention: the race isn’t a dream. It’s real life. I’m still me. I’m still facing the same struggles. The race isn’t going to fix you. God is sanctifying you now, and will continue to during and after the race. He doesn’t have a deadline in this life- He works in His own time and promises that we will be complete when we’re face to face with Him. Don’t be afraid to share every step.
My teammate posted this last night and I love it:
“The World Race is hard y’all and there are times when days feel wasted; but as I reflect back to month one I am beginning to see the bigger picture God is creating.
Take courage even when it doesn’t make sense. Choose to find the moments where you can say ‘because of this I will be greater.’”
So with all that being said, this is the messiest, hardest, most amazing, fun, frustrating, joyful, rewarding, emotionally // physically // spiritually exhausting journey I’ve ever been on; welcome to The Real World Race.
