I was sitting on the edge of my bed sipping a cup of hot tea on the last day of July. The fan was blowing cool air on me and I sat there staring at a spot on my wall while I ran calculations in my head.
“Eight weeks. Fifty-six days. I have to have $3,900 toward my fund by September 25th and I have absolutely no idea how that’s going to happen. How is this going to work? After that I still have 13,000 left…What if I don’t get that much on time? Will they make me go on a later route? Ok I have to get a prayer card made like yesterday…I need postage so I can send out my support letters…why is postage so ridiculous? I wonder how much would my ipod go for on Amazon? Ooh and I have that mini fridge in the basement. I wonder if mom would let me sell the couches. No. Definitely not.” Anxieties filled my soul and a war was being waged between flesh and spirit to remain steadfast in hope. Ten days later, my first donation came… Sixteen days later, I sit with $3,400 toward my fund…why in the world do I doubt the God of the universe? The God whom lightning asks where it should strike!
“When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.” Psalm 94:19
// What sweet, undeserved faithfulness…He has never given us a reason to doubt….yet….He renews our soul to hope again. Love is patient, love is kind…God is love.
During the application process and the waiting on an acceptance/rejection there was something joyful about vulnerably giving my deep hope back to the Lord & saying “this is Yours, God.” And immediately after they told me that I was accepted, the wooing voice of the shepherd coaxed me back to the alter and reminded me to- in the words of Elisabeth Elliot- “leave it in the hands that were wounded for you.” Even with an acceptance, this opportunity is not my own. It belongs to my Dad.
I must handle this season of blind-faith with open hands…caring for the ministry being entrusted to me as a precious jewel of surpassing value. I musn’t clench it lest no one see its rare beauty. I must hold it open in vulnerable worship to the Lord… with steady hands that come from a happy trust and surrender that “He who calls me is Faithful; He will surely do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:24
All so that one day, I may place this precious jewel in those beautiful, wounded hands…which are so worthy of having my all.
Thank you for loving, encouraging, praying, and supporting me during this blind-faith-driven journey!!! Words fail me in my gratitude for you all.
