I recently felt a hardening in my heart. It was from God and it was to protect me but it was still hard to bear. With my fast all I wanted was silence so I could hear Him but I ended up getting noise. No matter where I turned there was noise, I was scared, annoyed, and I just wanted to get out of it. Out of it though, these past couple months, it was worth a hardening because I can finally feel my heart beat and cry out again.
Only recently did I discover for the past 5 years I was in a depression. I didn’t feel much. I turned to lust, gluttony, slothfulness, facebook, snapchat, and so much more to fill me but it was only digging my grave deeper. The past 40 days I gave up technology as a whole because it was a distraction and I need to grow closer to God. Halfway through I had a revalation that it was social media that had it’s hold on me. I was never turning to God to fill me but all these earthly things. So I gave it up.
In the past 2 days my heart opened up more than ever. I feel again. I can say I love you to friends and family and mean it. I can be on social media and not lust or get distracted from Him. I can do so much more than I have ever done before. He is in me. He dwells in me. I am truly one with Him. I really hope none of my family or friends were hoping that I would come back to Green Bay and be the same person as I was before because the old way of Jack is dead, gone, obliterated. My Heavenly Father has made me new. My heart and mind now think and feel the same things. For so long I was a hypocrite, my brain would know the right thing but my heart did not feel anything. Now they are on the same level and I feel my God intertwining them. I can’t wait to go back and love people so much better, share how I actually feel and not hide or push aside feelings. Everyone knows me as a goofy guys who never really feels sad but for so long I didn’t feel anything at all and put on a mask. I am a different person, I used to hate my old self, he was my worst enemy, he ruined everything. Now I know that it wasn’t me I should have been hating but Satan and the sin behind me, working me like a puppet. Now I know I should love me, not in a narcissistic way, but a way where I know God had plans for me ever since the beginning and I should treat myself that way. Unique and crafted by the hands that have crafted The Heavens and The Earth and everything. I am set free, my heart is soft.
