Living a Premature Life

This was the opening scene of my life, and the more I love the more I see this theme over and over in my life. 

I’m so impatient. I get excited about something and just do it, or buy it, or find it. I make plans. I follow through with the plans. I’m tunnel vision when I get in these states of mind. If you’re not willing to be in the tunnel with me then I won’t listen to you too much. If you’re not willing to sprint in the tunnel then I’ll race ahead of you. If you try and slow me down I won’t understand you. Kind of like my mom going into labor with me, there was no reckoning with me and no stopping me. 

The thing about being born early is that so much can go wrong. Your lungs could be under developed, you can have learning disabilities because your brain might not be fully developed, heart issues, eye issues, and probably much more. While I was born early, there were huge risks and a lot could have gone wrong with me. 

Yet another theme following me in life. I get certain ideas or desires in my mind and run with them throwing caution to the wind, but I could be putting myself in danger. I could be hurting people along the way. I could be missing what is better. I could change my mind, and frequently do, and ruin other peoples plans. I have such a one track mind, or as my dad likes to say “you’re like a dog with a bone.” 

So sitting at the end of my time squad leading, knowing Nepal is coming up, but also knowing how fast time flies, I started thinking and planning for life when I get home. I became overwhelmed and totally obsessed with figuring it out. My mom told me to calm down, which I didn’t do. My friends told me I have plenty of time to figure it out, which I didn’t listen to. My squad mates from D squad said to just live in the present, it’ll work out in due time. My “lil sis” from X squad did a listening prayer for me saying to be in the now with Jesus, everything will still be there when the time comes, but the time right now is for Jesus, don’t miss it. None of this was able to stop my tunnel vision, though. The smallest and most unintentional things though have a way of stopping me in my tracks, closing my eyes, and thinking “what am I doing and why am I doing it?” 

A simple conversation talking about future possibilities with one of the W squad squad leaders (shout out to Bekah) stopped me dead in my tracks. I was discussing future events, making plans, and dreaming, the usual. And she said “that’s tempting, we’ll see.” 

And there it is. 

We’re in the same position. 

We both did the race at the same time.

We both are squad leading and staying on the field in some capacity until April.

And I’m obsessed with after April and she’s living in the present. 

How can she do that and why can’t I do that? 

So this morning I was journaling and this popped out:

“God, please take my future; near, distant, and beyond, into your hands and keep it far from my mind until you’re ready. I have such a problem with this, always have. Just like being born 2 months early, yes I was in the world 2 months early, but I didn’t leave the incubator or hospital and start my life until April. I think these two months are supposed to be me sitting in my fathers incubator, in his safety, in his hands, listening to his voice. Everything in me will want out of that box, but this is a necessary and vital part of my life that will leave healthy scars to remember Gods faithfulness over my life. God, help me start now. Help me to daily empty my mind to you.”

So I’m going to be present these last 19 days of squad leading.

I’m going to be present in Nepal while we are school planting.

And when the time comes, God will reveal to me the next step. 

And it’ll all be okay. 

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I have 19 days left as a squad leader and I still need to raise $950 by the end of the month! I leave for Nepal on February 1st! 

If you’d like to donate to my WR account, click support me, and you’ll receive a postcard from either Vietnam or Nepal!